Arousing The Unknown
by Aznyx
Summary: “Malfoy, do you know what I have been saying?” Granger asked, infuriated. “Bullocks.” I replied. She glared at me. What? Did I say something wrong?. Humormous story told in Draco's POV. DMHG! Read with caution!
1. Daria

**Author's Note**: Not advised for those of ignorant minds who cannot handle this type of humor.

**Important-** I really don't know what Blaise Zabini's real gender is and honestly, I don't give a damn if Blaise is a he/she/it/chicken/llama in the Harry Potter books. I needed him/her/it/chicken/llama to be female in this fanfiction story, so a female, he/she/it/chicken/llama will be.

Otherwise, Happy reading. Remember to rate/review.

**Disclaimer:** All characters, exempting Daria Malfoy, are property of J.K Rowling. This disclaimer goes for all chapters cause I'm too lazy to type it again.

* * *

**Title: Arousing The Unknown **

**Chapter One- Daria**

* * *

It never took me more than a millisecond to realize that looking at old witches' leggings was not a pleasant sight to the eye. Especially, if she was bending down and one's eyes just happen to have swept across. Dear Merlin, the sight nearly blinded my eyes. The folds and wrinkles of her rough, cracked skin was more than enough to send me hurling my dinner out. It was gruesome enough that the woman was old and any guy my age did not deserve the horrible sighting, but that the fact that she is of my kindred, my _aunt,_ did more damage than bearable.

However, it wasn't until that she announced the news that sent even chills down my spine and mind you, Draco Malfoy does not get chills; he gives _others_ chills. Do you see the irony of this situation? What can be so horrible that even Draco Malfoy gets goose bumps when even the pansy Voldemort himself doesn't even prick his skin? Alas, yes, the hearsay was true, unfortunately for me. Oh how I would spend the next days moping around my great mansion, walking the vast hallways and trying for inspirations to dishearten her, to _discourage_ her, that for once, she has surpassed such ludicrous thoughts that I would never thought possible. After all, the woman is off her knockers many a years ago, and over the years, I think her brain deflated more and more, until it was nothing but a shriveled raisin. But of all things, why it must be this? The inanity of this reason is probably beyond words.

My mouth is still hung open, wide, virtually touching the plush carpet. My eyes were bulging out, shocked beyond belief, and ears, not quite hearing the sounds around me. The speechlessness of me has left others profound. I knew my brain was functioning, but I could not register the string of words that flowed out of my aunt's chalky, thin lips.

"Draco, are you all right?" My aunt said in her high, squeaky voice, waving her hand infront of me. I did not blink; I _could_ not blink.

Maybe it's the verity that is from my father's side of the family that she is so delirious. I mean, I heard about all the psychopaths that developed within that side of the family. It amazes me to this day that she is not enrolled in St. Mungo's. I should write a letter of recommendation.

"Daria, I believe your declaration has left him mortified." I heard my mother say somewhere in the distance. "Give him time so his sluggish mind can comprehend your words."

"I don't see what is so shocking about me teaching at Hogwarts." My aunt, Daria Malfoy said abruptly.

_Teaching at Hogwarts... Teaching... at... Hogwarts... Hogwarts... Hogwarts... _"No!"

"Oh look, his mind started to function again." Mother pointed out. She glanced at the grandfather clock. "And it only took him fifteen minutes, what a record." She clapped her hands in artificial surprise. My mother can be the most sarcastic, egoistical woman ever; after all, her name did sprung from the word _narcissistic_, a synonym for _wicked_ spite the self-centered meaning.

"No!" I shouted again. "You cannot teach at Hogwarts aunt Daria!"

My aunt raised a pale eyebrow. "Why not?"

"Because... Because you're not suited for teaching..."

"Ridiculous Draco! How hard can teaching be?"

"The students are evil, they'll torture you!"

"I have you to protect me from those little kids, right Draco-Waco?"

"No I won't—" The death glare from my mother was enough to make me stop dead in my tracks. Didn't my mother hear what that vile woman called me? _Draco-Waco_! I haven't been called that since I was five years old and even then, it was utterly humiliating for a boy of my status!

"Would you not reconsider?" I asked firmly. "Teaching is harder than you think."

This woman will be the death of me. Dying from embarrassment, shame, and degradation of my pride. What will the Slytherins think of their Prince when they heard Daria calling me _Draco-Waco _during class? They will no longer fear me, no longer be intimidated by me. Next thing I know, posters of me dressed up, as a baby might be plastered all over the school! (I would be a devilishly beautiful baby, but it would be downright embarrassing.) I will be the laughingstock of the entire school! And the lowly, filthy blood Gryffindors, they will find pleasure in this. I cannot let that happen.

"Not with the course I'm teaching. As a matter of fact, Dumbledore was quite surprised at my knowledge of the topic." She boasted proudly. "It'll be fun Draco."

_Throwing you off the Astronomy Tower would be fun._ "And what might that course be aunt Daria?"

"Oh!" She clapped her hands with glee as her ancient structured bones bounced up and down with excitement.

In the corner of my eyes, I saw Mother smiling deviously. If mother ever smiled at all, it would only be a devious smile; I would love a Gryffindor before Mother actually smiles sincerely.

I focused my eyes on Daria who was still happily bouncing up and down. I squinted my eyes as I imagined her old bones being pried off their hinges and joints and falling apart, crumbling down, and then smothered into ashes.

"Draco, Draco, Draco." Daria chanted, still clapping her hands. "I'm going to teach you young kids sex education! Won't this be fun!"

_Oh... sex education..._ "Sex education!" _This woman is mad! Deranged, simply deranged!_ "You're joking...right?" I laughed nervously.

"Nope!"

"Wha-wha-wha..." I slithered down to the armchair next to me. "Since when... did we...?"

"When I suggested it to Dumbledore!"

_Okay, Draco._ I told myself. _She is family. You must resist the urge to strangle your family member, especially an old one._

"What! You are crazy!" I jumped out of the chair. "You cannot teach sex education!"

"And why not?" She huffed, crossing her arms defiantly.

"You're old! Ancient! The last time you probably had sex was when they held the Salem Witch Trials! Sex back then did not count! It wasn't even called sex! It was just humping a tree!"

Daria opened her mouth in shock. "Why, I never!" She turned directly to my mother. "Do you hear what your son is saying!"

Mother yawned. "Ah yes, sex back then isn't like what it is now Daria. The things these kids do." She shuddered. "Even gives me the hives thinking about it."

She looked at me, "Maybe you should help her Draco. With these rumors I've been hearing from your female classmates."

I did not know it was possibly for me, Draco Malfoy to _blush_. It would be a compliment to hear that my ranking in bed is well known, but to hear it from my _mother_, ugh, dear Merlin. I turned to my aunt who is absolutely fuming. Maybe she won't bother to teach now.

"I'm telling you aunt Daria. I don't think it's a good idea." I told her mildly, trying to stay calm.

She gave me the infamous Malfoy sneer that even she can still portray. "You think I can't do this. Well, I'll show you Draco Malfoy. You kids sure as hell don't know anything about safety in bed."

"No! I did not mean it like that aunt Daria. I'm not saying you can't teach, I'm just asking why are you teaching at Hogwarts? Why not the other schools?" I gave her my best Malfoy-puppy face, which is actually quite convincing to the female species. I wonder if my aunt counts though.

She looked at me, frowning. "Well..." She started slowly.

_Come on, you old dingbat!_

"Nope, I don't think I can teach at other schools."

_Bloody hell!_

"Well, how about Defense Against the Dark Arts then? We haven't gotten a good teacher for years." I suggested.

"I don't know why you're so against me for teaching. It would do you good, I tell you."

"No, I'm sure as hell it won't." I muttered. "Intolerable woman."

* * *

I wandered aimlessly through the hallways of the mansion. The incensing sun outside did nothing to melt the cold atmosphere inside. Mother had gone out to lunch, and aunt Daria, Merlin knows where she is. The mansion was basically devoid of any soul; there were the house elves, but they're such dirty creatures. It's not like they have souls. I kept wondering if aunt Daria _accidentally_ fall down the stairs and maybe break a leg or two, an arm wouldn't hurt; would she refrain from teaching? Better yet, have green boils grow all over her face. Maybe she would be too ashamed to face the world.

I groaned. It would not work. She probably would flounce about proudly. How am I to get rid of her? Get Snape? Fuck, Snape would be scared of her too. She would actually make Snape sit still so she can wash his greasy hair with shampoo and force a comb through those knots.

This is inequitable,

Discrimination against me,

Torturing me,

Ruining my school year,

Insinuation towards evil! (_I am evil, but come on now; even I would not put students through this kind of torture. Facing Voldemort would be more fun.)_

"Evil!"

"What is evil Draco?"

I recognized her voice instantly.

"What is evil Draco?" She repeated.

I turned around. "School is evil. It's evil for letting you teach."

"Stop with that nonsense." She laughed in her crow-like laughter. _Gods, it sounds like an animal mating call._

"I have activities all planned out for you." Aunt Daria beamed. "We're going to color the reproduction organs with the new set of Montie's Crazy Coloring Crayons I just ordered for the whole class. Oh, I shouldn't be telling you this; I wanted to surprise you!"

One cannot imagine the revelation I was in. _Color the reproduction organs? Montie's Crazy Coloring Crayons?_ Someone better Avada Kedavra me before I die from embarrassment. I would rather become bestfriends with Pothead than sit through a whole class, _coloring_ a woman's vagina _purple._ That would be such a disturbing class. I gasped, fearing that Daria might make me hate sex _forever_.

The horror!

It's insanity! Preposterous!

The women will forever go crazy because the almighty Draco Malfoy does not like sex! The world might never be the same again; it would collapse and end! I cannot let that happen! For once I have to be the hero and save the world!

* * *

"She's crazy. Crazy, I tell you!" I cried out to a childhood friend of mine, Blaise Zabini. "I knew Dumbledore was a crazy old bat, but I didn't think he was actually that much of a wanker to let my aunt, MY AUNT! To teach, out of all the damn subjects, SEX EDUCATION!"

"Don't let your knockers go all up in a twist." She said, twirling her blond curls with her fingers. "She's not that... bad."

I glared at her.

"Fine, fine! She's horrible!"

"Don't you remember the time she tried to teach me how to ride a broom?" I asked, pacing myself about the room.

"Yeah." The female Slytherin sniggered. "The broom drove itself all the way up your arse."

I grimed. "I rather not remember that experience Zabini. It wasn't... pleasant."

"Why not?" She batted her eyes innocently. "I thought men like you _love_ that type of orgasm."

"Zabini..." I warned.

"Lighten up, stiffy." She grinned, getting up from the lounge chair. "School starts in two weeks and it would be hell before you ruin the last days of my summer."

"You aunt isn't teaching sex education."

"We'll handle her when school starts." She waved away the subject. "I heard you had received the Head-Boy status."

I nodded, failing to suppress the egomaniacal grin that stretched across my face. "Of course, the school clearly didn't want scar-face to represent them. They need a beautiful face, full of intelligence. Mine."

Zabini rolled her eyes. "You're full of shit."

"Yes, even my shit smells like a bed of roses."

"I also heard mudblood Granger got the Head-Girl status."

For the second time that day, shocked invaded me. It wasn't particularly the fact that she had gotten Head-girl status (the bitch is such a goody-two-shoes, kiss-ass to all the teachers, minus Snape), but it was knowing that I would have to work with _her_. Monitoring the hallways with her, _talking_ to her, being _around_ her, in her unruly, _filthy_ presence. My year has gone down. Down in the shit.

"Oh poor boy," Zabini falsely sympathized. "Your year is going to suck."

If looks could kill, my eyes would penetrate two holes directly in Zabini's head. How dare she! This is unjust, simply unfair..._iniquitous_!

"Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse." I groaned, running my fingers through my silky blonde hair like a comb. "I'm going to be tainted with a putrid Gryffindor stink now, a _mudblood _Gryffindor stink.

"Stop _emphasizing_ your words you big _bloke_ and _suck_ it up like a _man_, that is, if you _are_ one."

"How dare you question my _manliness_? I'll _accentuate_ whatever I _want_ to."

I could've sworn I heard her muttering something along the line of... "Faggot... no sex... months..." If I were not a gentleman, I would surely choke her by now. But as all Malfoys are gentlemen, they would not hit a woman and Blaise is just barely making it.

"I am wasting my breath with your _nonsense_ Malfoy." She stated matter-of-factly. "I am leaving _now_."

I wriggled my nose with annoyance. Only I can _italicize_ my words, how that girl challenges my patience. "Then, by all means, go _ahead_."

Zabini stuck her nose pompously in the air as she strutted out the door. However, before her feet left the door frame, she turned her head around and grinned, her white teeth gleaming, "Just to let you know, Draco dearie, I _am_ helping your aunt plan her year curriculum, so I _advise_ you to watch your attitude."

"What's that suppose to mean Zabini?" I called after her, but she was already gone. That blasted woman Daria and her right-hand sidekick Zabini. They will pay.

* * *

The loud toot of the Hogwarts Express declared that it was, indeed time to board the train. I had my manservant carry my luggage and trunk to the Head-Boy and Head-Girl compartment. At last, my long awaited fate. Seeing Granger and her bushy head again. Strangely enough, Granger was not present by the time I reached our part of the train. I would assume that she would be there and ready to go back to Hogwarts so she can get her knowledge. Perhaps she is busy bodying her two homophile friends. I'm always wondering when they would be announcing their relationship to the world. It's not like half the school didn't already know.

Oh, speaking of the plebeians, here they come. Chatting away with such nonsense like yapping monkeys. Wow, wow, Granger has grown taller over the summer. Not bad, not bad at all.

"Merlin, Weasel, you actually look decent enough for me to wipe my pretty ass with."

"Sorry Malfoy," Potter remarked, glaring at me through his cheap glasses. "Ron is unavailable, he doesn't go in that direction."

"I'm rather touched by your remarkable bravery for defending your boyfriend."

"Shut it Malfoy!" Weasel growled. Where did this sudden burst of courage come from? Maybe from his scar face boyfriend, duh.

"Malfoy, if you would, remove yourself from our sight immediately." Granger gritted through clenched teeth. I turned towards her, noticing that her bushy brown hair was not quite as bushy, but the weight of her hair caused the strands to fall down in descending curls. She wasn't plain looking, but she wasn't the beauty queen either... her exquisiteness is rather... intriguing...

I scrutinized her, running my eyes up and down her figure. Like I said, not bad...improvement from last year, of course. At least I didn't have to spend the rest of the year working with a girl of... unattractive features...but she does have frustrating qualities. This, being one of them.

"Move it ferret." She said sternly.

"Should I?" I said, pushing her limits. "I am Head-Boy and it is my duty to see to the... inferior students."

"Alas," She frowned, placing her hands on her hips in a very Granger-like fashion. "I am Head-Girl and it is up to me to see that the idiotic Head-Boy is doing his duties. So move along now."

"You would want to watch your mouth Granger..."

"And what are you going to do?"

I advanced towards her, my thumb gently caressing her jaw line.

"Get away from her!" I heard Potter screamed somewhere in the distance.

"Malfoy, move the fuck away from her!" added in Weasel.

I, however, ignored them and continued to look at Granger directly in her eyes. "Wouldn't you like to know?" I whispered in her ear.

She stared at me with those huge caramel eyes of hers, never blinking. "Get away from me." She said softly. She blinked quickly and took a huge step back. "You disgusting fiend."

I simpered, showing her my world famous Malfoy smirk. "I'll be seeing you soon Granger." With that, I turned on the balls of my heels and walked away, making my way to the accommodating Head compartment.

In the distance, I could hear Pothead and Weasel asking her what happened.

"He's just a bloody idiot." I heard her replied.

Thinking to myself, I thought this is going to be one hell of a year.

"Draco-Waco!"

I froze, a growing fear gnawing at my stomach. _Please, dear god, please!_ I silently prayed. _Please tell me no one heard that!_

"Draco! Don't you hear me calling you boy!"

I turned around, apprehensive fear masked on my face. And there she was, in all her boisterous, _humiliating_ glory. Aunt Daria. She was wearing an unexceptionally bright green robe with a black witch hat, and a pair of yellow boots that does not compliment her style at all. Of all Malfoys, I believe Aunt Daria is the only one who lacks any sense of fashion. Maybe Malfoy genes have malfunctioned. Her blonde hair is coarsely done, with many strands sticking out in random places. Her blue eyes have that crazy flickering in them and it would send any first years screaming for their mommies. Why did she have to ride the train! Why! Can this woman make my life any worse? Knowing her, she probably has ways... I mustered up all the dignity I had left and managed a SMALL smile. You would not notice it until you are within one millimeter away from my face.

"Do you know where lavatory is? I have the biggest urge to go."

I was afraid to scrunch up my face in disgust; it might develop ugly lines on my face. "It's down that way." I pointed to the end of the train.

"Thank Draco-Waco." She grinned as she pinched my cheek playfully. "I'm sitting near the front. Come join me later."

_Like hell I would._ "Aunt Daria, for the sake of my reputation, would you not call me Draco-Waco in public. As a matter of fact, do not, I repeat, DO NOT call me by that name at all."

"Why not?" she pouted. "I like that name, it sound so adorable."

"No, Aunt Daria." I pointed out. "_Nothing_ involving my name, involving _me_ is _adorable_. It is unfit for someone like me." _Does the dense woman not know that! _

"Oh you are such a spoiled-sport." She smacked my arm and left.

"Draco-Waco, would you please fetch that for me?" said a familiar voice.

I spun around immediately, arms outstretched to grab that person's neck and wring them violently before ducking their head outside the window.

Sensing my attack, the person ducked. I realized who it could be. Blaise Zabini.

"Really, Draco-Waco, you could've hit me." She said defensively, mocking her hurt. "I only asked you to get my quill for me. It dropped by your foot.

"Don't call me that Zabini. You're already on my _To Torture _list." I sneered.

She grinned, placing her hand over her chest. "Oh you make me feel so special. I never knew you care so much."

I looked down to the floor. There was her quill. Instead of picking up her quill like she expected or anyone expect for a gentleman to do, I picked up my foot and stepped on the quill. Squishing my foot back and forth, I crumbled up the quill.

"Hey!" She protested, glaring at me venomously. "That was my lucky quill! I pass tests and quizzes with that!"

"I'm truly sorry." I said simply. "I really should watch where I place my foot next time."

"You are a cruel man Draco Malfoy. Cruel." She shook her head solemnly. "I will get you back for this."

"Oh dear me. I'm shaking."

Zabini stomped away. I hurried to the Heads compartment before aunt Daria comes back looking for me.

"Hello Malfoy." Granger greeted coldly when she saw me walking in. "Let me get out your way."

"Oh no-no." I smiled, blocking the entrance. "Do stay."

Granger crossed her arms in a very demanding way. "What the hell do you want?"

"I cannot have a civilized conversation?"

"If I didn't know any better," She said, placing her finger at her chin, pretending to think very carefully. "I would've thought you're serious."

"We are seventh years now, we must set examples for the midgets."

"Really now! Since when did you realized that?" Her voice could not be dripping in any more sarcasm. "Brilliant observation Malfoy, ten points awarded to Slytherin!"

"Such derision." I shook my head disapprovingly.

Granger acted like I didn't catch that devious smile that stretched across her face that could've fully marked her as a Slytherin. Tsk-tsk. Not bad Granger, not bad.

* * *

**TBC**

* * *

**Review please.**


	2. Disclosure

**Author's Notes:** Thank you for the reviews. I update randomly. It may be two days... two weeks... two months... I don't know, whenever. I don't give a damn. As long as I updated right?

And oh, this story most likely won't be in canon. I'm such a lazy bum to check to make sure my facts are accurate.

* * *

**Chapter Two- Disclosure**

* * *

The train ride to Hogwarts bored me to death. Honestly, one would think my companion (Granger) would be some sort of distraction... humor... torture device... _ANYTHING_ to keep me occupied! But no, of course not, for some barbaric reason, she was extremely engrossed in her book. (One Hundred Ways To Torture Your Enemy.) Even when I announced that Harry and Ron were shagging in the compartment next door to half of the train, she did not bother to even look at me! How dare she ignore me! No one ignores me! (Ranting of Draco Malfoy is inserted here.) And so it was. I sat on my side of the compartment, being bored as hell and no one to torture. Even the merciless torturing of the younger students did not brighten my foul mood.

Daria had managed to find out where the Heads' compartment was located. (Who was the deceiving piece of shit that told her? Note to self: find that kid and give him/her everlasting agony.) She was constantly banging on the door, begging for companionship with her favorite nephew, or so she says.

"Aren't you going to get that?" Granger had finally asked me, still not tearing her eyes from her precious book. She was referring to the loud knocking on the door caused by the one and only, Aunt Daria.

"Woman, do you want to get _murdered_?" I replied, looking uneasily as the door vibrated and seemed to collapse any second under her tremendous pounding. "I'm not going to let that _thing_ in."

Granger calmly placed her book down on her lap and closed it, her eyes refusing to meet mine. Standing up, she inserted her book into her bag and said matter-of-factly, "Humans are live, breathing _Homo-sapiens_. They are not _things_."

"There are exceptions." I exclaimed, pointing at the door. "This, being one of them!"

The Gryffindor rolled her eyes and walked to the door.

"Hey—What the fuck do you think you're doing?"

"I'm opening the door, what else?" She answered sardonically. "And stop using such vulgarity."

"Granger, you're not my mother. I had enough of her."

"You probably don't even know who is outside." She turned the doorknob."

"Granger..." I warned, edging towards the open window. _If that crazy coot barges in, I'm taking my broom and jumping out the window._ "Do not precede any further... That's not a good idea."

She waved me off, refusing to believe that there was actually a dangerous monster on the other side of the door. When the click of the lock was heard opened, the door flung open and Granger screamed in shock as a bright blur rushed pass her. Already, I had grabbed my broom and on the verge of jumping out the window when that _thing_ had grabbed me.

"Draco-Waco, you weren't thinking of escaping, were you?"

"No Aunt Daria, I was just trying to get some fresh air." I lied, trying to wring free from her vicious grip.

Granger had ceased her screaming. "Draco-Waco?" She gaped astonishingly.

"A word to anyone, Granger," I growled. "I'll personally hunt you down."

"Oh!" Daria had released me. She turned to face Granger who jumped at least two feet in the air from the horrendous sighting of my unbearable aunt. "Granger?"

"Yes, that's me." Granger smiled nervously. "Hermione Granger, madam."

"Oh!" gasped Daria. "So you're that muggleborn that Draco-Waco here keeps blabbering on about."

The Gryffindor raised a curious eyebrow. "Does he now?"

"Don't be flattered." I scoffed. "They were never compliments."

"How you hurt me so." She mocked.

"Puppy love! Aw, how adorable!" Daria squealed excitedly. "Reminds me of my days when I was young."

One cannot imagine that horror displayed on both of your faces. It was evident that our feelings were mutual. Granger and I _loathe_ each other. Not this "l" word, "_love_", or even this one, "_like_", but the other one, "_loathe_". Daria better brush up on her vocabulary; she had gotten her verbs mixed up. There is an immense difference.

"Madam, what a _horrible_ thing to say!" Granger exclaimed.

"For once, Granger is correct." I agreed.

Granger shot me a look of pure venom. "Shut up Malfoy."

"How is it horrible?" Daria appeared to be baffled. "Usually, when two kids fight like this," she pointed out. "They really like each other. You know, like married couples."

I glanced at Granger; she looked like she just swallowed her own vomit. It was utterly disgusting.

"I believe, you're wrong, madam." Granger grimed. "Malfoy and I... are not in the best of terms."

"Is Draco-Waco treating you bad?" Daria cooed, pinching my cheeks. "You're such a bad boy, shame on you."

One did not have to have perfect vision to see that Granger was obviously trying to suppress her laughter. Her cheeks were ever growing so big from laughs she kept inside. Her mousy complexion was turning redder by the second. _Okay,_ I told myself. _I have two hands; one can be for Granger's neck, and the other one could be for Daria's. _

"Aunt Daria." I gritted, trying with absolute difficulty not to relinquish my anger. "Let. Go. Of. My. Cheek. Now."

"It's so funny pinching your cheek; you're so adorable!"

I took a deep breath. By now, Granger has a brilliant blue complexion. _Family, your aunt, your kindred... family... do not hit female family members..._ I kept repeating in my mind. _Family... Family..._

"Stop. It."

"Oh fine." Daria said disappointedly.

"Y-You're Malfoy's aunt?" Granger wheezed.

"Yes, Draco hasn't told you?"

Granger shook her head, smirking. "I'm afraid he has not."

Daria pouted, perhaps thinking that she looked awfully cute, but in reality, it looked extremely... _wrong_. Honestly, the dear woman is centuries old, probably older than Dumbledore himself and everyone knows the old coot is _ancient_, yet it still flummoxed me that this witch can absolutely, positively thinks that she can act like she was _seventeen_?

"Draco, I'm hurt. I thought I told you to tell all your friends I'm coming."

"Aunt Daria, why in the blazing hell would I do such a thing? Really, woman, I was hoping no one would notice that we are _related_." I spat angrily. "You need to stop poking your nose in my damn life."

Daria's shocked eyes narrowed her eyes until they became leering slits. "Such a insolent nephew." She stomped her foot angrily and trudged out the door.

I dropped down to the train seats and sighed heavily. "Granger," I drawled, closing my eyes. "Don't you ever listen? I told you not to open the door for _that_."

"Actually," I heard Granger said. "I thought she was rather... amusing, to say the least."

"Amusing? She's hysterically delirious."

"Come on _Draco-Waco_." Granger said in a babyish tone of voice. My eyes immediately shot open. I quickly grabbed Granger's wrists violently before she had time to react. She let out a squeal of protest.

"Granger," I whispered dangerously. "If you want to survive the remainder of this year, I warn you to keep your mouth shut. I better not hear you call me that ever again."

She nodded slowly. I lightened my grip and she wretched her hands away. "You foul, loathsome piece of pureblooded crap."

* * *

I've always known I was a man of good luck, yet the lucky shamrock was not providing me with essential luck that I required. Firstly, after I had gotten off the Hogwarts Express and walked for no more than three steps did the icky Pansy Parkinson had ran up and gave me one of the most suffocating hug I've ever had. The _only_ person with enough density of futility in her brain to ever dared to hug me. One would think a man of my power had the audacity (in fact, which I do) to send her away, but I was overruled by a person with much higher authority than mine. My mother. She wanted me to...(such a vile word)..._marry_ Parkinson when I turned of age, eighteen. Why, that so-called parental figure just ruined my independence. I had major plans to flirt some, get some, and maybe lay back a while. But no, marriage was my mother's plan. Then again, she said I only had to marry that conniving little Slytherin bitch, who had the rule that said I should be _committed_ to her? Ah yes, that would do. Draco Malfoy would definitely get a few mistresses.

The Great Hall looked the same as it did last year, as it did the last seven years that I've been here. Once you seen this repeatedly, the décor does tend to seem plain and uninteresting. The Sorting Ceremony was a bit monotonous, song same as so. I heaved no attention to the first years, but quickly skimmed through the familiar faces of the other students. The female popularity, especially. Few had good transformation over the summer, others a bit plain... some quite... unsightly. I yawned, barely paying attention to anything around me.

While everyone was eating and me, having lost my appetite as soon as I saw Daria walked through those doors, I dreaded that my aunt would make an appearance infront of the whole school and somehow announce that I am her nephew, I feared for the worst. And it did come, quicker than I assumed. Dumbledore had clicked the glass with the fork to gather everyone's attention.

"Teachers, staff, and students. I bid you welcome to this school year and am pleased to announce that there will be a new course for the seventh years."

A wave of groans and complaints washed through the seventh year tables. I had the biggest temptation to slink under the table and hide, but I knew if I did such a thing, my pride would deflate. Therefore, I'm going to remain intrepid and stand my ground whether what ridiculous embarrassing words comes out of Daria's mouth. I held my breath.

"Please welcome, your brand new professor, Ms. Daria Malfoy!" Dumbledore clapped enthusiastically while the teachers glanced uneasily at each other before slowly joining in the clap. I can see so clearly the doubts and concerns in their eyes.

The students were silence, some of the heads turned to me. I scowled at them, daring them to say _anything_ to me. Do they expect me to stand up like a proud nephew and start clapping my arse off? As if! Intimidated by my vicious glare, they turned around and focused on my aunt who had already walked up to the podium. I could tell that Daria was not nervous, as a matter-of-fact, I would think she's _fervent_ about this.

"Hello everyone!" Daria greeted cheerfully. "I'm Professor Malfoy and I'm absolutely thrilled to be here." She paused and viewed her audience. "So many eager faces. The course I will be teaching the seventh years will be..." She waited a couple of seconds, as if trying to build up tension. However, I wholeheartedly doubt that the students would respond positively. "SEX EDUCATION!"

Even though it was partially light outside and the sun hasn't fully set, the crickets were chirping awfully loud. No one moved or made a sound. Daria looked around, eyes twinkling, and beaming cheerfully. She waited for the eruption of claps or cheers. One. Two. Three. Nope, still no noises.

Then the Great Hall exploded.

"_Bloody hell! I might actually pass this class—"_

"_Do you think we get demonstrations—"_

"_What? You think we get to work with partners of opposite gender—"_

"—_The hottest guy in school should demonstrate the proper way—"_

Wait, that would be me!

"_Are they going to show the positions or something in that class—"_

"_Ew! Disgusting of you!"_

"_Cause that would be hot!"_

I was mortified to hear that the students were _thrilled_. Excited and curious expressions were scattered all over the Great Hall. The seventh years were enthusiastic to see that one of their school courses might actually be _useful_, while the younger students, emphasizing the _first_ and _second_ years, were disappointed that the course was years beyond their reach.

"_No fair!"_ Squealed a first year. _"We need to be educated too!"_

"_I bet I know more than the seventh years!"_ Added in a second year.

Merlin, what are these little munchkins reading these days? Did their parents not teach them any better?

Dumbledore cleared his throat. "Silence!"

The chattering ceased. "Now that the...er... course is said, I would like to welcome our Head-Boy and Head-Girl, Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger!"

How cliché. Everyone assumed and many already knew that this would happen. Why couldn't it be Draco Malfoy and (insert other seventh year female name that is not Hermione Granger)? Must they make it so obvious? It's dreadful. I stood up, head up, and pompously walked to the podium, careful not to make any eye contact with my Gryffindor rival. We reached the podium at the same time, and I'm telling you, it was not planned to be that way.

"Please return to your feast." Dumbledore said to everyone, but motioned for us to stay. "I do apologize for keeping you away from your food, but first, I have to say something before my old mind forgets."

He told us to follow him out the Great Hall and we did. Walking with him in private, he spoke, "It has been many years since we had a Gryffindor and Slytherin Heads. I know the palpable rivalry between the two houses," He looked at me and then at Granger. "You both are seventh years and must set an example for the younger students and that means, _absolutely_, no fighting when in their presence."

I pursed my lips tightly. "Headmaster, you know as well as the whole school does that Granger and I—"

"Yes, yes." The old bat said. "That's why I have concocted this brilliant idea." His eyes twinkled impishly. It's dangerous. "Usually, the Heads would have the luxury of separate common rooms and bedrooms, but—"

"Headmaster!" Granger had caught on quickly to where the coot was heading. "You _cannot_! Please, you would not want to do that!"

"I feel the same way." I said, suppressing my outburst. "I don't think it's a brilliant idea at all. Granger snoring would affect my sleep."

Granger leered at me, her brown eyes flashing perilously. How _sexy_.

He chuckled. "Ah-ah." He wiggled his finger playfully. "You did not let me finish. I was just saying that since I know you two aren't the best of terms; I'm going to provide some time for you two to get acquainted to help the school and the students. So, I proposed that you two will share a room, different beds, however for just a short period of time. Living together, perhaps, would give you a better bonding."

Granger's jaw dropped to the ground. She was speechless.

I, on the other hand, had very important matters to say. "ARE YOU CRAZY? LIVING WITH HER? ARE YOU INSANE HEADMASTER! BREATHING THE SAME AIR AS HER IS BAD ENOUGH, BUT TO SHARE A ROOM! WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU? HAVE YOU BEEN SMOKING ANYTHING?"

"Mr. Malfoy, I do not need you to scream your words at me. I can hear you just fine." He adjusted his glasses. "This is exactly what I'm talking about. You two cannot accept each other for who you are. I hoping this would change the situation."

"B-but Headmaster," Granger finally regained her voice and stuttered. "Is there an alternative? Malfoy and I—can't we just... like live next door or something? Instead of the same room?"

"No." came his simply reply.

"And how long is this _'short period of time'_? I asked, careful to keep the anger out of my voice.

"A month's time." Dumbledore simpered.

"_What?_" Both Granger and I gasped simultaneously.

"And you are not _civilized_ with each other by then, I'll be adding another month." He smiled and walked back in the direction of the Great Hall. "Professor McGonagall will be with you after the feast to show you to your room." He called.

"I think he fell off his broom during the summer." Granger murmured.

"Hit his head." I said. I looked at Granger. She looked me and we both realized we had the same thought. We just _agreed_ on something!

"Conceited prat!" She screamed.

"Disgusting wench!" Oh yada yada yada. The same old boring remarks.

"Imbecile!"

"Beaver!"

"Ferret!"

Two third years had walked by, shaking their heads disapprovingly.

"_I'm glad we're a lot more mature than the seventh years." _One said wisely.

"_It's a good thing we won't act like them when we grow up." _Another added. _"That's scary."_

* * *

The feast was done and over with. I quickly skimmed around the Great Hall, hoping to catch a glimpse of Granger. Perhaps, if I hurry, I might be able to get to the room first and claim the better side of the room; better yet, the _whole_ room and let Granger sleep outside. I saw that she was chatting animatedly with the Weasley girl and sneakily dodged passed her, quickly making my way to the room. I power-walked most of the trip, pushing away the little midgets and made sure that Granger was not following me. For some unfortunate reason, I seemed to have the tendency to have such horrible luck nowadays, for Granger was just right across from me. Her speed matched the same as mine. I took a glance at her and she looked at me and immediately, we both knew what each other's motives were. There is no way in hell, absolutely no way in hell I'm going to share a room with that goody-two shoes, muggle bitch! I quickened my pace and I knew Granger did the same.

I did meet with McGonagall a millisecond after the feast had ended. She had told me where the room was located and probably told Granger the same thing. However, McGonagall also requested that I wait for Granger to finish so we can make the trip to the room together. _As if!_ Promptly after she finished her sentence, I raced out the Great Hall and searched for the room myself. Now I wondered how the hell Granger had caught up to me that quickly, it was only just a few minutes ago, I had seen her talking with that redhead. There was no way she could've seen me. I gave up, shaking my thoughts away and concentrated on beating Granger. Knowing a quicker route to the portrait of the singing Dwarves, I turned around the corner, leaving Granger to take the other hall. I broke into a full throttle run, _determined_ to get there before she does.

I turned other corner and an egoistical smile spread across my lips. The portrait was just a few meters away and I ran faster, fully satisfied that Granger was not to be seen.

"Yes!" I shouted, but somehow, I heard a female voice echoing my word somewhere in the distance, but did not pay attention to it. My mind was focused on the portrait. Alas, my happiness only lasted for mere seconds when I had crashed into another person. I was sprawled on top of the person, arms and legs tangled up.

"Malfoy, you big bloke!" A female's annoying voice filled my ears. And that person I was laying on top of could only be Granger. "You're heavy!"

I untangled my limbs and stood up, brushing off my contaminated robe. "Watch where you're going Granger."

She scolded. "Like you have eyes yourself, Malfoy. You ran into me."

I sneered. "Get out of my way."

She stomped her foot, refusing to move from her spot. "No! This is my room as much as yours!"

"I see you two have made it."

I turned around. McGonagall was looking at us amusedly through her glasses. "I suppose you have the password to get in?"

I looked to the floor, feeling a tad bit sheepish.

"You two shot off like Snitches, you didn't let me tell you." The Professor said. "It's _Honey Drops_. You're not allowed to change the password without each other's consent."

I cursed under my breath. There goes one of my plans!

She nodded. "Good night, you'll get your timetables tomorrow morning at breakfast."

"Honey drops." Granger said. The portrait swung open and she stepped inside. By now, my mood was foul and I was reluctant to follow. Living a month with Granger and knowing that I would have class with Daria tomorrow, was not something I was looking forward to. Hell has now officially begun.

* * *

**TBC**

* * *

**Review. Review.**


	3. Dropped

**Author's Notes:** Uhh... Thanks for the reviews. Any questions regardind the plot of the story shall remain unanswered. You can't make me reveal anything. So neh.

* * *

**Chapter Three- Dropped**

* * *

Morning came quick, too quick, if you asked me. You should know as well as any other Slytherins, for that matter, knows that Draco Malfoy do need his beauty sleep. After all, perfection can happen over night. Just look at me. (Draco's egoistical grin is inserted here.)

Our first night in the same room was hell. The first half of the night, I was wide-awake. The second half of the night, I slept with one eye. I did not trust Granger staying in the same room as me for she could strangle me whenever she pleased. I would lingeringly close one eye while the other one kept a careful watch on Granger. She was a sneaky one.

I knew that if I had let my guards down last night, the professors would find me hanging by my head the next morning. Believe me, that is an ugly way to die. Imagine it, you're hanging by your head, an uncomfortable rope wrapped around your neck like a hideous accessory. Your tongue is sticking out like panting dog, and your eyes are repulsively red, like fish eyes... or frogeyes... one of them. Draco Malfoy cannot die like that. What? With a face as handsome and striking as mine do not deserve such a death. People need to at least remember me as looking attractive when I die, not some revoltingly strangled-out looking man. See here, if I could envision my death, it would be me, being the centerpiece of a magnum opus, an artwork, like a flowerbed of black roses, perhaps. All would come and mourn over a great loss of a beautiful god. Don't ever think I would die courageously in a battlefield like Potter most likely would. It's not that I'm a coward, don't let that _ever_ cross your mind, because mind you, Draco Malfoy is _never_ a coward. Others _coward_ before him, now that's true.

Enough with my ramblings, I'm not dead yet. Onward with the story.

It is unbelievable that many do not know that I am horribly cranky if not given enough sleep. By sunrise, I was in the shower, blasting on cold water to drive away the anxiousness of having Daria's class. There goes the destruction; my whole day is ruined because of her.

"I can't believe this." I muttered, turning off the water. I grabbed a towel from the rack and wrapped it around the lower half of my body. Surely, Dumbledore didn't think about privacy. It's a male and a _thing_ barely passing for female, sharing the same room and bathroom. Isn't that against school code? I turned the doorknob and pulled the door open, only to find Granger stomping her foot impatiently and glaring at me before she fully realized that she was staring at a half-naked, gorgeous piece of flesh. I knew she was trying to hide that blush that graced her cheeks. I couldn't help but feel superior, knowing that I could get even Granger to blush. After all, what female species wouldn't? It's Draco Malfoy, wet, and dripping with water down his slick, buffed body. A green towel hangs around my pelvis and any female in their right mind would want to undress me right there and then.

"Granger, stop drooling." I smirked. "Yes, I know, it's a shame you don't get to see this with Weasel and Pothead."

Seriously, if I was a female and I saw me naked (as a male) I would drool, too. And it's no wonder with Granger, for her eyes probably didn't have much to see with the homoerotic Potter and Weasel. They're only naked to each other.

Granger's face suddenly flared crimson and I knew it was not from blushing.

"I'm not drooling over your sickly paled body! It's ghastly!" She screamed as she roughly pushed me aside and slammed the door shut.

"My body is not sickly paled!" I said defensively.

I chuckled amusedly to myself, not bothering to let her fallacious retort bother me and sauntered over to the full-length mirror. Saying a quick spell and a flick of my wand, I was dried and fully clothed.

It was probably around seven o'clock and breakfast should be serving right now. I walked out of the portrait hole. The portrait shut behind me, an awful racket following it.

"_Lalala... Good morning, mornin'..."_

I turned around, repulsed to hear such singing.

"_Good morning... Mr. Malfoy..."_ sang a dwarf that was slightly taller and a bit more ample than the two other ones.

"_Did you have a good night sleep?"_ Chimed in a small dwarf, the skinniest of the three.

"_Where is your woman...?"_ Added in the third dwarf, medium in size and height. The skinny dwarf elbowed his friend.

"Ow! What you do that for?" The third dwarf cried out.

"You're being rude! You not supposed to ask Mr. Malfoy about his woman! His woman is his business!" The midget said.

_Hold up, now. My woman? Who the hell is 'my woman'? They couldn't be talking about Pansy!_ I looked at them skeptically. "What in the blazing hell are you three talking about?"

The midget dwarf looked uneasily, replying, "The woman that you're staying in this room with. We assumed that she was your woman."

My jaw dropped to the ground. That is utterly disgusting! They actually think the Mudblood is my woman? How thick are their skulls! I stepped up the painting as the dwarves whimpered with fear. "Don't make such ridiculously assumptions _ever_ again. That mudblood bitch and I have no sort of relationships with each other, not even _friends_."

"_Yes... Mr. Malfoy..."_ They all sang simultaneously.

I turned on my heels and walked away. Behind me, I can still hear them bickering.

"_I told you it wasn't his woman! You idiot!"_

"_They live together!"_

"_You're going to get us burned you stupid oaf!"_

"_You scrawny little midget dwarf!"_

"_I'll fight you! Come here! Put 'em up!"_

Their voices were soon faded. I continued to the Great Hall, my stomach growling. I didn't eat much last night and today I could eat a cow. I passed by an empty classroom that the school hasn't used for years. I heard voices. Now, being one of a curious mind, I couldn't help but see what's going on. After all, I am Head-boy and it is my duty to see to those troublemakers. I tiptoed quietly to the door, didn't bother to cast a hearing charm on the door because they wee talking loud enough already.

A laughter, sounds like an animal mating call. Could only be one person. Daria Malfoy. Another voice...

I leaned in closer. I couldn't exactly place who it was, but it sounded very familiar.

"Ohh!" Daria squeaked like a schoolgirl. I can hear her hands clapping, a very _annoying_ habit she does whenever excited. "That sounds perfect!"

What sounds perfect?

"He'll kill me if he knows." Said the second female voice.

"Don't worry dear, he won't harm you. Under that masquerade, he's really a _sweet_, caring boy."

I pulled back from the door. Who the hell are they talking about? It couldn't be me god forbid, it _can't_ be me. I don't hide my true intentions. I _really_ am evil and cold inside and out. Then again, Daria would be the one to think that hippogriffs were kind, gentle creatures.

I edged closer to the door, trying hard not to make a sound.

"Goodness gracious, I can't wait for class today." Daria squealed.

"It's going to be overwhelming to have all four houses at once."

"They're seventh years, they have enough maturity level to handle it."

I snorted. Speak for herself.

"When is class?" asked the female voice.

"Oh... I get to see them right after breakfast! Three days a week for three months. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday."

"So you're not staying the whole year? Tis a shame."

"Yes, I know." Daria sobbed. "I'm going to have to do something about this. Convince Dumbledore to let me teach something else, perhaps?"

"Perhaps..."

Merlin, no! I backed away from the door. Three months is enough! Enough! I am not going to let her stay here and ruin my whole year! I furiously stomped to the Great Hall. I've made it my goal this year to made Daria's experiences at Hogwarts so horrible; she'll be begging Dumbledore to leave. And to think! I have her first class in the morning, too! There goes my day...

* * *

Despite the anger within me, I was still hungry and chomped down a stack of pancakes, along with a goblet of pumpkin juice. I've gotten my timetable and was not surprised as the other students to see Daria's name flashing at eight o'clock. I didn't care much about my other classes.

I had tried to be as late as possible to Daria's class. Her classroom was the old room I had passed by half an hour ago. I took slow, diminutive steps and constantly lingered around, trying to waste time. It was like a bloody curse. Time had slowed down when her class started. I stood outside her door for what I thought must be half an hour, but as it turns out, it was merely three minutes. I couldn't go anywhere; it would be too obvious to others to know that I'm skipping class. Finally, the loony bitch noticed me and dragged me inside. It was only five minutes into the class and the faces of all the sevenths years in all four houses greeted me.

"Draco, I would've assumed you to be the first one in my class." She pouted.

I ignored her, taking a seat next to Zabini.

"You're late Malfoy." She stated.

"Really?" I wondered, mocked surprise. "I could've sworn I was early."

"I would be happy if a relative of mine was teaching a class. I can get answers."

I looked at Daria, with her eager face, trying to learn the names of all the students sitting on the front row. "I'm really dreading this class. She's like a walking menace to society."

"Stop being so hard on her. You should really get to know her, she's fun."

"Zabini, I don't know what the hell you mean by fun; I've spent seventeen bloody years with her."

Daria clapped her hand loudly. "Class, pay attention please." Everyone looked up. She beamed. "I'm Professor Malfoy, but you can call me Daria. I'm not nicked out for such titles. Today is the first day of class, I can't tell you how happy I am to be teaching at Hogwarts." Applause followed and once it died out, Daria resumed. "Well, let's not waste any more time and start class, eh?"

She walked around to the front of her desk. "Okay, can anyone tell me what happens when a man and a woman have sex?"

Half of the class expected Granger's hand to immediately shot up to answer a question, but please remember, this _is_ Sex Education class, and innocent little mudblood knows _nothing_ about sex. So this will be the one class, I thought, a smirk forming at my lips that she will know nothing about. Her hands remained on her lap, like I predicted.

"They moan and have lots of great pleasures!" Blurted out a smart-ass Slytherin boy. The class erupted with laughter.

Daria smiled nervously. "Ehh... yes, I suppose. But what is the aftereffect? Um... you." She pointed to a panicked Longbottom. He looked around, looking for help, but to no avail. "T-t-they go eat something?"

Many who understood _differently_ and had their little pervented thoughts roared with laughs.

"And _what_ do they _eat_, Longbottom?" Chortled a Slytherin. Lucas Lanners is his name.

Longbottom couldn't reply. He just fell over his chair and fainted. I shook my head disappointingly. That boy has a lot of learning to do.

"Stop now," Daria insisted. "Alright, can someone please give me a_ dignified_ answer?"

Brown raised her hand. "The woman has the possibility of becoming pregnant."

"Yes, yes." She nodded. "Very good. As women, we have a more dire consequence. Without protection, a woman can be with child. So, therefore, I'm here to teach you young kids the consequences of having unprotected sex." She turned to the board. "Now copy this down. Reproduction organs, spells of proper protection, 'The Seeds of a Man and the Eggs of a Woman', intercourse, consequences of unprotected sex..." She hesitated. "And lastly, safe sex."

The scratching of quills on paper was heard throughout the room as the students scrimmaged to copy their notes. If it were anyone besides Daria teaching this class, I would actually be interested. I was bored senseless, but kept an ear opened for anything that Daria might say that would tarnish my reputation. My horrible pet name, for example. My eyes wandered around the room. It seems like Longbottom has finally regained consciousness after his display of his _brilliant_ knowledge of sex to the class.

"Well," Daria turned around to face her students. "Since today is the first day of class, I thought we should do something fun and educational. So..."

Merlin... No...No...No!

"I brought _Monty's Crazy Coloring Crayons_ and we're going to color the Reproduction organs!"

Damn... I knew it. Does she really think that we are first years? Even they are way beyond of age for a coloring session.

The students looked unbelievingly to each other, probably wondering if Daria had been admittance to St. Mungo's lately. Granger was just dumbstruck. It was comical to see her reaction. For once Granger has to do something that does not involve thinking! Well, if you count choosing the colors, thinking.

"This would be fun!" Zabini beamed. The other students slowly started to join in and actually began to see the advantage in the class and enjoy it.

"This is easy!" Weasley cried out, taking a box of crayons from Daria. "I can pass this class!"

Daria begun to hand out the sheets of paper. "Okay, the reproduction organs are all labeled so you'll know which is which."

She passed by my table and lingeringly placed a paper infront of me. "Draco-Wa—"

"No!" I shouted immediately, jumping out of my seat. I was not about to let say that despicable name infront of all these people. Everyone turned their head to look at me as Daria stared at me in shock.

"No?" she asked, puzzled.

Trying to regain my cool, I said, "Uh... no, I don't want this sheet. Can I have another one?"

The students glanced at me oddly before returning to their own coloring. Damn, that was too close. If I don't watch it, she'll expose everything. She looked at me warily while I handed her back the sheet of paper.

"Is something wrong Draco?" She questioned, touching my forehead with the back of her hand. "Do you have a fever? Want to go to the nurse? Your mother would be mad if you—"

I harshly slapped her hand away from me. "No! I'm fine! And stop touching me, will you!"

The class stared at me and I could see the very obvious Golden trio trying to suppress their laughter. Zabini was smirking her damn blonde head off. I knew Daria was about to snap at me about being an impudent nephew or whatever, but she took a deep breath and walked away. If it were literally possible, steam would be coming out of my ears because that's how incensed I am. I glared at whoever might be looking in my way. Longbottom quickly turned around shakily.

I stared at the package of crayons infront of me. The cardboard was yellow, with a retarded-looking wizard grinning madly as he colored on a wide parchment. Below, in bright red, flashing letters was 'Monty's Crazy Coloring Crayons.' The box held twenty-five crayons, just the basic colors and many odd ones. Glancing around, I noticed that every student had a box and they were mostly all contentedly coloring, the easiest assignment they had for years. I looked at the sheet infront of me. _I am not going to color and do this ridiculous, childish act._

I'm not going to do this...

Five minutes later, I held a crayon in my fingers labeled _'Polka Purple'_. What the hell? I quickly looked around and hoped that everyone was too engaged in their activity to notice that Draco Malfoy was _coloring_. Slowly, I made the first mark on the paper. A deep violet color came out from the waxy substance in the crayon. Smirking to myself, I continued to trace the contour lines of a woman's crevice.

_Merlin, I really am coloring a woman's vagina purple. I'm actually enjoying this._ I thought amusedly. _It looks beautiful._

Moments later, I was done. Satisfied, I placed the crayon back into the box when a strange little twitched caught my eye. Confused, I stared at the paper, hoping that it would do it again. And it did. Then, gradually, small purplish polka dots started to appear on my coloring. _So that's what they mean by 'Polka Purple'._ I looked at the paper closer. _'Ugh. It looks like she developed some sort of disease or something. Fuckin' dots on her vagina.' _I was mentally disturbed. I turned the paper over and never wanted to look at it ever again. That was just absolutely disgusting; I'm scarred for life.

I shuddered off the disturbing feeling and leaned back into my chair, looking for something else to do. I really, _really_ don't want to color any genitals anymore. I rather leave it at that.

"Hey Malfoy, why are you covering up your _beautiful_ artwork?" Zabini reached over. "Let me see it."

I quickly snatched up the paper. "No! Zabini, get away from me!"

Once again, I've caused a disturbance and the whole class had nosily turned to see what I've done now. _Just great, why can't they mind their own damn business?_

"Let. Me. See. It. Dammit." She stretched her arm further as I leaned the chair back a bit more, trying to get the paper out of her reach. "Malfoy. Stop. Acting. So. Childish. And. Let. Me. See. The. Damn. Thing." She struggled.

_This annoying little Slytherin... I'm going to kill her once this class is over with._

"Zabini, get the hell off me!" I said as she moved in closer. _I've taken kicking the hell outta her into consideration. I must restrain myself._ "I swear, if you don't get off me, I'll hex you into the next dimension."

"Not until you let me see your picture! Honestly, why are you hiding it?" She made a sudden leap and swiftly grabbed the paper out of my hand. With the abrupt act of force, we both toppled over and crashed with a loud thump. With triumph, she got up before I did and proceed to flash the picture in everyone's view. I, however, had difficulty standing up because the chair and Zabini had just knocked the wind out of me. My head was throbbing with pain. I could hear laughter in the distance. Weasel and Pothead were the loudest ones. I'll get them later, now, I just want some ice... and... sleep.

"Aha!" Zabini exclaimed. "Look at this! Urgh—Merlin, Malfoy got so much _creativity_!"

"Oooh!" Daria cried out gleefully. "Let me see what he did!" She took the paper from Zabini's grinning self and examined my so-called artwork. "It's... err... exquisite. Yes, very interesting. Oh, I'm so _proud_ of him."

_God, I'm half unconscious. Someone just finish me off. Please! For goodness's sake, I'm saying PLEASE!_

"Err... where is Malfoy anyway?" Daria asked, looking out.

_You blind hog! I'm down here!_

"I believe he's on the ground." Granger stated matter-of-factly, somewhere far, far away. "The poor bloke."

Even as knocked-out as I was, the mockery in her voice could not be anymore obvious. _Wait until this excruciating pain in my head cease, I'll get her Mudblood self for this._

"Draco, dear!" Daria gasped, surprised, as she looked down and saw that her nephew has been by her foot for a good five minutes now. "What are you doing down there? Still playing hide and seek, I see. Come, get up."

_Honestly, woman! I was not playing Hide and Seek! I need some ice for Merlin's sake! Do you not see the humungous bruised on my forehead? It damaged my face! Someone is going to die before this ends!_

She scooted down and pulled my arm up. The sudden increase in height added in nausea. I swallowed it down, determined to make myself feel better and not make a fool out of myself like I've already did infront of the lowly Gryffindors, much less my housemates. I shook my head, trying to rid of the pain, but it didn't work. I took Zabini's chair and sat on it, sneering at those who attempted to look at me. Apparently, my sneer didn't work and must've somehow turned into a retarded grin that made me look like a bloody idiot because everyone was sniggering and forcing back their laughter. I reached up to my forehead delicately and felt the enormous bump on my precious forehead. My face... my beautiful face... no... no... The horror of it all!

I immediately shot up from the chair and ran out the classroom with a speed of lightening. A monstrous roar of laughter was behind me. Madam Pomfrey must have something for this ugly bruise! It'll ruin my face!

"Madam Pomfrey!" I screamed, blasting through the doors of the Hospital Wing. "Look!" I pointed to the oversized lump. "Make it go away!"

Pomfrey looked at me circumspectly. "Do calm down Mr. Malfoy and I'll have a look here."

"Calm down? Are you crazy woman? The whole seventh year just saw me, _ME_, with this big-ass bump on my head!" I was hysterical.

"_Mr. Malfoy_!" Pomfrey gasped. "I will not have such language in my presence. You are overreacting."

I was getting very impatient.

She peered at my forehead. "Hmm," She said. "This is nothing a pack of magical ice won't cure. Go over there and lay on the bed."

I did as I was told. This has got to be one of the worst days in my entire life. I lay down on the bed and Pomfrey handed me a small cloth wrapped around a couple of ice cubs. "These ice cubes are magicked, so they'll heal that big bruise of yours pretty soon and get rid of the awful headache. Just rest a while."

I placed the small bundle on my forehead; the coldness of the ice quickly came in contact with my skin. Instantly, I felt the bump diminished in size. I closed my eyes, dreaming up all the ways to get payback. That Zabini and Daria... not to mention Granger... Vengeances will be served... on ice...

* * *

**TBC**

* * *

**Review, review, _review_.**


	4. Disturbed Discovery

**Author's Note: **I don't have any.

* * *

**Chapter Four- Disturbed Discovery**

* * *

_You're one sexy-ass Slytherin._ The image looked back at me unblinkingly. Then it blinked as I did. _Merlin, how did God create something so devilishly handsome? My, my, he has such extraordinary talents._

I looked closer into the mirror. My atrocious bump was gone. _Thank god_. That thing ruined my beautiful face. It was horrendous, swelling, bruised, and red. That thing was so unsightly.

Today I am dressed in black robes, the emblem of a green snake stitched over my breast pocket. Simple, yet oh-so-sophisticated.

There are things that one should notice about Draco Malfoy. One, people should noticed how gracefully my hair moves whenever I make the slightest gesture, how the blonde strands fall elegantly across my face in a way that no other male can achieve; two, the smooth movements of my limbs whenever I move so suavely walking down the corridors of this inferior school. Three, how incredulously sexy I look when the _patented_ Malfoy smirk cross my face. Four—well, you get the idea. I have a story to tell and the list is much too long to continue.

_Damn, I can stare at myself all day long and I would not get bored._

I took a quick glance at the clock. Five minutes until class. I have Daria's class since it was Wednesday. _Blasted hell._

Deciding that I was finally the epitome of perfect, I walked out of my room. Granger had left half an hour ago. That bushy bookworm would rather ride a broom than be late for class and Merlin knows how much she despises flying. However, I could not stop a trail of thoughts that followed after that. _I bet Granger would be riding a lot of things._

Not a second after I headed towards the portrait hole, a loud screeched made me stop in my tracks. I turned around, wondering what the hell it could be. A tawny owl was screeching and tapping the window. I let the owl in and it held its leg out to me. I took the rolled parchment and fanned it out. Mother's elegant script greeted my eyes.

_Draco,_

_Aunt Daria has unpleasantly informed me that you have been treating her with uttermost disrespect lately. Now I know she is a bit on the kooky side,_

_A bit on the kooky side is an understatement._ I thought. _That woman is mad! She should be locked up!_

_But she is your aunt after all; so don't treat her so harshly. I heard from Daria that the class loves her and her class. She is not so bad; do give her a chance, Draco._

_Let me not hear any more horrible things about you or I would not be happy, Draco. Don't tarnish the Malfoy name._

_Also, I reconsidered your marriage with Pansy. Although I would really like it if you marry her once school ends and how it would please me, but I understand if you wouldn't want to. Perhaps the gorgeous Blaise Zabini would suit your fancy? If not, then I do not know what to do with you Draco. That is... Unless men is your preference? If that is true, then I will bite back my tongue and support your decision. It would break my heart not to have a grandchild, but I'll survive._

_If men fulfill your lust, then I hope you find the right guy._

I nearly choked after I read the last sentence. She did not! _If men fulfill your lust, then I hope you find the right guy._ What! Is mother deranged? My eyes popped out of its sockets and I stared unbelievingly at the paper in my hands.

_If men fulfill your lust, then I hope you find the right guy. _

_Yet, it is contradicting since I heard that you were wonderful with girls. This brings back some light into my eyes. Maybe I will be able to have grandchildren after all. I just the hope your wife does not get jealous by your husband. That would be a frightful sight._

_Remember to do well in school._

_A slightly happy mother,_

_Narcissa Malfoy _

I was completely speechless. My mouth hung wide open, practically touching the floor, just waiting for something to fly in. The shock must have had delayed my nerves because my brain could not fully register what mother just implied. The only sound that flowed through my ears was the loud ticking of the grandfather clock. I must have stood there for a good five minutes, looking like a fuckin' bloody idiot before the wheels of my brain started to turn again.

After I regained from my shock, I grabbed a quill from a desk and scribbled furiously on a clean parchment, angry, maddening thoughts spilling onto the paper.

_Mother,_

_How dare you insinuate that I like men? What gave you that inane idea? Are you mad? I do not like men! And I hope you know, I love women, ladies, girls...the female species!_

_Also, I will not marry Pansy and heaven forbid, I would not even think of marrying Zabini. Why must you set me up with these crazy women?_

_Draco_

_P.S. Daria is driving me crazy. I want her to stop!_

I rolled up the parchment and slipped it into the loop tied around the owl's feet. I sighed, realizing that I was surrounded by delirious women. Daria... Zabini... Pansy... Granger... even my Mother! I know women just constantly flock to my feet and swoon whenever they see me, but honestly, they are driving me into the peak of lunacy.

A quick look at the clock told me that I was fifteen minutes late to Daria's class, but I did not care. The less time I spend in that class, the better it is for my sanity.

* * *

"No! You can't make me go in there!" My hands grasped for the sides of the doorway, fastening my grip tightly. "I swear, Zabini, I'll kill you!"

"Malfoy, you big baby!" Zabini grunted as she tried to pull me into the classroom of my impish aunt. "You have to go in there!"

"I. Am. Not. Going. To. That. Cursed. Class." Zabini and Goyle, unfortunately, countered me, after they noticed that I was not present when half an hour went into the class. Daria, being her ridiculous self, ordered them to come drag me into class and there was no way in hell I would let them do that.

The whole class sniggered as they watched the image of Draco Malfoy being dragged into class. It must amuse them so. I pushed everyone off me and angrily took a seat next to Crabbe who grunted as a greeting. I ignored him.

"Nice of you to join us, Draco." Daria said, smiling.

My reply to her must of sounded something of a snarl.

"Come on everyone, pair up!" Daria clapped her hands and motioned for everyone to get moving.

I leaned back into my chair, determined not to follow her orders as I crossed my arms arrogantly.

"Draco, get moving!" said Daria. "Go find yourself a partner. We're doing a really fun and interesting experiment, I don't want you to miss out on it."

"I'll be glad not to participate, Daria."

She grabbed onto my arms and pulled me out of the chair. "Stop being such a stubborn boy. What did your mother tell you?"

I succumbed to her ridiculous ways. The more I resisted, the more she was going to embarrass the hell out of me. Perhaps it was better if I just did what she ask as long as it does not degrade my dignity and pride.

"Draco," Daria said. "Since you're late to class and have missed the instructions and topic, I'll pair you up with someone who was here and has been paying attention."

"I'll be glad to assist, Daria." A female voice volunteered.

I was appalledby the sound of the voice. "I would not like to work with Zabini."

"Why not?" She asked, frowning.

"Because I don't like you." I wrenched my nose with disgust.

"I'm hurt."

"Tell me when I care."

"Actually," Daria said. "I have someone else in mind. Miss Granger, please come here."

The look of revelation upon my face was worse than the one before. Even working with Zabini was better than being stuck with Granger! "Daria, now that you mention it, Zabini wouldn't be too bad."

"No, Miss Granger will be a good partner for you."

"Daria-"

"Draco, just because I'm your aunt, that doesn't mean I'll give you special treatment! Now listen to me or I'll have to fail you for this semester!"

I froze. The class was dead silent. Biting back my tongue and gritting my teeth, I headed towards Granger's table where she was helping Potter.

"Mr. Potter, you'll be working with Miss Zabini."

I sniggered at the look on Potter's face. It seems like we're both working with people we don't like. Granger frowned as I took a seat across from her. "Malfoy, you know I don't like you and I know you don't like me. Now, I want to get a good grade, so let's just call it truce." She held her hand out to me.

I sneered and looked at it as if it were the most disgusting thing I have ever seen in my entire life. "No."

"What?"

"I said no. I'm not calling it truce."

Granger's nostrils flared and I could almost see the smoke billowing out of her nose. She took a deep breath and calmed herself. "Malfoy, if you can't call truce, then you might as well have a failing grade."

I lingeringly held out my hand. "What happens in here stays in here, the truce does not exempt anything outside this classroom."

"That's perfectly fine with me." Granger took my hand and we shook, although the shake was rather forceful.

"Today, we're discussing the female body." Daria declared. "I thought since the ratio of girls to boys in this class is fairly equal, you're all paired up with the opposite gender to help better your learning experience." She turned to her board. "You must all know by now that I like to try different approaches to learning. They might seem weird, but I tell you, they're awfully effective. Now on the board is a list of terms regarding the female reproductive systems along with their meanings. I want you to copy them down."

She reached under her desk and pulled out a box. I craned my neck to see the contents inside. They were all wands, same color and sizes.

"These were created for a specific purpose upon my request. They can only do one thing and they would not be able to perform other magic if you ever think about using them for something else." Daria said. "With your partners, you will magically go through and see the process in which a female has her menstruation and the path in which an egg cell travels. Don't worry girls, you'll have your chance at the boys on Friday."

Daria handed every group a wand. "This spell will only work with this type of wand, so I warn you not to go trying it on your own wand. Say _Femia Impetremus_ loud and clearly!"

"_Femia Impetremus_" chorused the room.

A bright flash shone in the room and it gradually dimmed down. A holographic image of the female reproductive system appeared before my eyes. Thus, began the long and interesting discussion of how the egg cells were produced in the ovaries... traveling in this tube... then... goes to the uterus... and involves blood...

I looked at Granger, noticing how she was fully concentrated on the image. Is this what females go through every month? _Even Granger?_ Times like this when I'm thrilled to be male.

Class was incredibly short for me, considering that I was at least half an hour late. The loud chattering and cacophony of students in the hallway told me that it was time to leave and I was never happier. I shot from my chair and was a mere feet from the doorway when Daria's voice stopped me.

"The partners you have today will be your partners for the rest of the semester."

Nooooooooooo! Granger for three months! Must I be with her more than I have?

I turned on my heels and marched back to Daria. "Daria."

"Yes, Draco?" The devious witch looked at me innocently. "How can I help you?"

"I must request that you do not put me and Granger together for the rest of this semester."

"But you two work so well together!"

"I couldn't careless. I don't like her, she don't like me."

"Well, if you work together and get to know her, then, maybe you'll like her."

"Somehow, I really doubt that."

"I can't do anything about that now."

My eyes narrowed. "What do you mean?"

"The wand only recognizes yours and Miss Granger's magic. Without it, you cannot do work in this classroom and I don't have any spare ones. I'm truly sorry."

Nearly on the verge of throwing a tantrum, I stormed out of the classroom, beating the bloody pulp out of anyone who even dares to look at me the wrong way.

Behind me, I did not hear the little conversation Zabini and Daria had after I left.

"The wand only works with Malfoy's and Granger's magic?" asked Zabini.

Daria nodded. "Yes, the wand only works with the first magical source they are introduced to."

"And you really don't have any more spare wands? I was hoping to ask you for one to send to my brother. He never did know about these stuff." Zabini said.

"Actually dear, I have a whole box left. How many would you like?"

* * *

"I can't believe I have to spend my night patrolling... of all people... you!"

"Shut up Malfoy. It's not like I enjoy your horrible company either."

"It's bad enough I have you as my partner for the rest of the semester, staying in the same room as you... seeing you every damn day... Can my life get any worse?"

My ramblings went on and on... I figured that Granger stopped listening to me a long time ago.

"You hate me that much?" Granger asked. Her voice was barely audible and she choked on her words, as if she was trying to stop herself from crying.

I was lost for words. Did I hate Granger that much? Did I? All the years of hating Muggles and mudbloods from the constant pouring of my father filled me. "Yes, I hate you that much Granger."

She did not say anything else and I knew she was hurt. I mentally kicked myself for having a conscience and it was making me feel horrible for hurting her. We continued our patrol in a dreary silence.

The thick, invisible wall of silence between Granger and me was inevitable. I refused to speak to her and she, I. After all, why should I? Even though I hurt her, she had it coming. I tried to rationalize myself. I could be sleeping right now or somewhere snogging with a hot girl instead of being with this unruly, barely passing for female, person... _thing_.

We were walking, I was on one side of the corridor and she was on the other. Suddenly, I heard hushed whispers.

Breaking the gorge of silence, I said softly, "You heard that Granger?"

She stopped and listened carefully. "Where is that coming from?"

Tip toeing; we went in search of the voices. "It's coming from in here." I motioned for Granger to come closer to a classroom door.

I pressed my ears against the cold surface of the door and strained to hear the noises inside.

"Malfoy," Granger hissed. "We shouldn't be eavesdropping! Let's just confront whoever it is and get on our way."

"Oh shut up, Granger. You're never any fun."

Surprisingly, Granger stopped protesting and did something that I did not expect from her. She leaned in the door and listened. I was surprised. Was I a bad influence on Granger? _Bloody wonderful._

"Why do you have to lubricate it?" asked a male voice.

"That sounds like Ron." Granger whispered, horrified as her face distorted in dismay.

"Because while we're doing this, it'll keep it smooth and we won't have any problems."

"And that sounded like Potter." I added, also shocked. Granger and I looked at each other with the same expression. Immediately, we pressed our ears closer to the door and made sure we did not miss a single word.

"Well make sure it's well lubricated then." said Weasley firmly.

"Trust me, I done this many times before." came Potter's reassuring voice.

"You know, Harry... This is the first time I ever done this."

"Don't worry, it'll only hurt for a little bit and then you get use to it."

"I hope so."

"You ready? Take off your shirt."

Granger gasped and I quickly clasped my hand over her mouth. "Be quiet! They'll hear us!"

She attempted to say something but my hand muffled her voice. I slowly removed my hand, but death glare from my face told her to remain silent.

"I'm gonna do it..." Potter said slowly.

"Just do it, I'm ready, I can take this." Weasley gritted.

There was a moment of silence before Weasley's voice rang through the air. "Merlin, Harry! That shit hurts!"

"Just relax." Potter coaxed. "Relax and it won't hurt that much."

"I can't relax! It hurts too much!"

"We have to stop them!" Granger said heatedly. Her hand reached up to the doorknob.

I pulled her back and held her against my body tightly. It was odd how she fitted so perfectly. I brushed that thought away and said, "Let them have their fun together."

"Harry, stop going in and out like that!" Weasley screamed.

"But that's how you do it."

"Oh fuck," Weasley let out a low groan.

I was bursting with laughter inside. It took all my energy and strength to suppress it. Looking at Granger's face, it looked like she was trying to hold down her vomit.

"Merlin..." Weasley said. "Oh fuck... damn shit..."

"Are you okay?" asked Potter.

"You're going too fast Harry."

"Don't worry, it'll all be over soon."

"Why does it seem like you enjoy seeing me in pain?"

"You're my bestfriend, Ron. I wouldn't torment you like that." Harry said, chuckling.

"Ow... shit."

"I swear, Ron. You're the only guy who complained this much during their first."

Then there was a moment of silence. The eerie of it caused bumps to trail down my back.

Ron's voice penetrated the silence. "Stop Harry. Stop. It hurts too much."

"Fine. We'll try again tomorrow night. Maybe you'll feel better then.

"If I'm not limping to class."

"Aw, it wasn't that bad."

"You're not the one having this done to."

"No, that's not true. It wasn't bad for me."

I pulled Granger away from the door. "I think we had enough."

Granger complied and followed me, a look of horror and shock evident on her face.

When we were out of earshot, a wide grin broke out on my face. "What did I tell you? What did I tell you! I knew it! I fucking bloody knew it!"

"I can't... I can't believe it..." Granger whimpered, slumping against the stone wall. "How can it be... how?"

"They are gay! They love each other!"

"How did I not see it before? So that was why they always left me out of their secrets... always excluded me in the things they do."

"Aw, don't feel so bad Granger." I swung an arm over her shoulders and led her back to our room. "You were gonna find out sooner or later."

"I feel so lonely now... My two bestfriends are g-gay..."

"Ehh... You have me?" That was my poor attempt of trying to comfort her.

Granger looked at me through her wide, innocent caramel eyes. "Yeah, sure." She scoffed.

"Come on Granger! My company isn't that bad!"

She disappeared through the portrait hole, laughing.

I followed her, deciding that I had one _hell_ of a bloody day.

* * *

**TBC**

* * *

**Be a dear and review... feedbacks always helps the author.**


	5. Delirious Delusions

**Author's Note:** Thanks to my delightful, new beta-reader, Erica, (Her ffnet penname remains unknown, she does not remember it.) correcting my mistakes.

* * *

**Chapter Five- Delirious Delusions**

* * *

"Honestly Granger, I really couldn't care less about them."

"But Malfoy, as much as I despise your horrid presence, I must ask for your assistance this time."

"They're your friends, not mine." _Thank God._ I added quickly under my breath. "I already knew they were gay, but it was just a matter of time before _you_ found out."

"It just feels odd... confronting them... about... this matter."

"Oh? And having me around makes you feel better?" I felt a smirking tugging my lips. "I'm flattered."

Granger scowled, her lips pinching. "Yes." Her answer surprised me and upon seeing the satisfied expression on my face, she added quickly, "No—not really... per se... but—oh! I don't know!"

She grabbed my hand and started to pull me down a corridor I was not familiar with. We stopped in front of a portrait of a very fat lady. I gasped, realizing where she was about to take me. I took a stepped back, planted my feet firmly on the ground and crossed my arms defiantly. "No Granger, this is where I refuse to cross the line. There is no way in bloody hell that I'm going in _there_."

I would rather kiss Snape's pale, greasy arse (Not that I ever saw his arse, I thought, shuddering, but I was merely making an assumption.) than let myself be seen in the Gryffindor common room.

"Fine." She said and muttered the password, making sure I did not hear it. It was not like I cared, who wants to be the lowly, filthy Gryffindors' common room anyways?

A couple of moments later, Granger appeared through the portrait hole with Potter and Weasley behind her.

"Hermione, what is this about?" Potter asked in his whiny, annoying voice. It took a while for him and Weasley to noticed me. "What is _he_ doing here?"

"Out of the goodness of my heart." I said.

Weasley rolled his eyes. "Yeah right, my arse."

I slowly followed Granger and the homoerotic Pothead and Weasley into an empty corridor. Suddenly, a thought had occurred. I, a _Slytherin_, alone with two _gay Gryffindors_, along with the _questionable_ sexuality of a Gryffindor Head-Girl. Bloody hell! I have to get out of here!

I edgily took small steps back, making sure to keep my distance from them. I was so close to running away, but I knew if I did, I would never hear the end of it. Granger lives in the same room with me; there is no bloody way I am going to get her angry. "Can you hurry this up?"

"Yes, Hermione," Potter said, casting an annoyed look towards me. "What is this about?"

"Ron," Granger started, wringing her fingers nervously. "Harry... um... What you and Ron did last night...Malfoy and I know..."

The homosexual lovers looked at each other, evident surprise on their faces. Potter begun to rock nervously back and forth on his heels and gave a weak chuckle. "So you both know what Ron and I did?"

Granger looked at me solemnly, both of our eyes fell on them and we nodded.

Weasley's ears glowed a bright red, blending in perfectly with his atrocious, messy hair. "I wasn't that loud, was I? It was my first time."

My nose scrunched up in disgust. It was utterly disgusting that I am hearing another _male_ say this, but it was _Weasley_, for Merlin's sake! My stomach did one too many flops and I could almost feel my lunch coming back up. I swallowed hard, pushing the food back down into my stomach. That did not feel too good.

"Ehh..." Granger hesitated. "You could've did it in your dorm room, instead of an empty classroom where a professor can easily find you."

"Yes, Potter." I said, agreeing.

I thanked god I had stopped Granger from opening that door, because, damn, if I seen Pothead and Weasel _in action_, I would have been psychologically corrupted, my poor, _innocent_ eyes (having never seen such things) would be scarred and I just might have to replace them. I would never be able to see Potter and Weasley the same way ever again, but then again, it's not like I saw much of them in the first place—not that I ever would, _mind you_.

"For the sake of all of us."

"But Hermione," Potter protested, completely ignoring me. _Damn bastard_. I had made a promise I would not hit pansy men; it would be like hitting a woman.

"If we had did it in our dorm room, the other guys might want to do it too." He said.

I froze; my lower lip completely left the upper one as it dropped to the ground. Potter's comment kept repeating in my mind. _If we had did it in our dorm room, the other guys might want to do it too._ This statement only came to one absolute conclusion in my brilliant mind. _I always knew there was something wrong about those Gryffindor boys!_ This only confirms my theory. I knew those Gryffindor males weren't right, there was constantly something abnormal about them and now, HA! This so-called bravery, whishing boldly into battle, always ready to fight like some damn brave hero... then it's their compassion... kindness... loyalty... honesty...sympathy and understanding... Honestly, what _straight_ male possess all of those traits! From what I have seen, it's either you have one or the other.

Suddenly, a realization hit me. A delicious piece of flesh like me, _straight_ and _beautiful_ as a god (probably more), they are sure to want me. I must stay away from them—them flamboyant Gryffindor males—_disgusting_.

Oh, I cannot possibly wait until the rest of the school hears about this remarkable discovery.

Potter's statement must have also left Granger speechless because the silence was heavy—to hear that her male housemates are... very much attracted to each other. _Oh who would go out with poor, busy-haired Granger now? Maybe she could pay some desperate Hufflepuff boy?_

"T-they would also want to do it?" Granger managed to choke out after a while.

"Yeah." Potter nodded his head, a very serious look on his face. "They probably never had seen something like this before. I don't want to hurt them."

Granger looked like she was hyperventilating, her chest heaving in and out with incredible speed. My, my, her unfortunate ears to hear such things.

I, however, was fighting an internal battle—_to laugh or not to laugh?_ That is the question. Potter can't possibly be _that big_, Merlin—no he's not! Frankly, I believe he is lying his arse off. In the end, my other side lost and I burst out laughing. Tears were almost streaming down my face. Never in my life had I heard anything so hilarious.

"Hey—What is so funny!" Potter demanded, his eyes glaring menacingly at me.

"Y-you don't want to hurt them?" I gasped, grasping my sides to keep my stomach from hurting.

"Yes," Potter said definitely. "Unlike you, _Malfoy_, I care about my friends."

I laughed louder. "Oh you hit the hippogriff's eye, Potter, fifty points to you—so _remarkable_. You're right, I don't care about my friends like the _way_ _you_ do."

Both Potter and Weasley looked confused, not fully getting my insinuation.

"Harry, Ron," Granger said quickly, shooting a scowl my way. "I just hope you know, that whatever happens, you can always come talk to me. I'll be open and listen. Just promise me that you will."

I had stopped laughing, although I could not help but break out in guffaws every once in a while. With my cheeks tired, I set a stern expression on my face and was determined not to laugh anymore.

"Promise me, okay?" There was a desperate look in Granger's eyes. I guessed she did not want to be left out—like the third wheel she always was and with this, she'll definitely remain the third wheel.

"We promise." Potter and Weasley said in unison. "Nothing will tear us apart, not even Malfoy." Weasley glowered at me. The threesome hugged each other. So _sickening_—all this affection.

"My, what a _tight_ and _loving_ family this is." I said, smirking.

"Shut up, Malfoy." Granger snapped. Her eyes softened as she turned back to Potter and Weasley. "Thanks guys. I have to go do some Head duty now. I'll see you later, okay?"

"Oh—and Hermione?" Potter said. "You won't tell anyone right?"

"Of course I won't." Granger said, smiling sincerely. She elbowed me forcefully. "Malfoy won't either."

"Whatever." I muttered flippantly, my mind completely occupied on the story I was devising to tell the rest of the Slytherins. _While I was patrolling the corridors with that bitchy, mudblood Granger and arguing—like always, we heard a lot of groans and moans coming from a room. Turns out, it was scarface and his boyfriend, Weasel—apparently shagging the hell out of each other. What did I tell you? I knew they were gay! And not only that, Pothead confirmed that the rest of the Gryffindor males are also as flamboyant as him. _

Technically, not all of them (I think), but I don't mind exaggerating.

Granger and I left the boys alone _(Dear God, what would they be doing alone?)_ and went to find Snape's greasy ass. Earlier this morning (Double-Potions with Gryffindors on Tuesday and Thursday, promptly at nine o' clock), the git requested Granger and I to come to him directly after lunch for who knows what reason.

We walked down the cold and ominous corridor leading to the Potions class in the dungeon, the torchlights flickering, casting strange shadows dancing on the walls. Honestly, Slytherins may be cold-hearted and cruel, but Merlin, did the Head of our House have to have his room in the dungeons? Along with our common room? It's freezing down here!

I couldn't help but notice Granger's solemn silence. With that annoying feeling pricking me—it felt something relatively along the line... of _sympathy_? _Nah, of course not._ I shook my head at the thought. Draco Malfoy does not feel sympathy. It must be pity. Yes, that's it. Pity.

"So how are you feeling?" I asked her, trying to sound as impassive as possible.

"How do you think I feel?" She said rather imprudently. "My two bestfriends are gay, their friends are gay... Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if every guy in Gryffindor are gay!"

"Actually, they are—"

"Malfoy, you're not helping the situation!"

"Along with the majority of the Hufflepuffs—"

"MALFOY!"

"What?" I demanded, aggravated.

"What am I going to do?"

"What do you mean?"

"If... the Gryffindor guys are... you know, what am I to do?"

I stared at her, shocked. _Is Granger asking me for guy advice?_ I grinned. Yes, she is. _Bloody wonderful._

"Well... err... turn into a lesbian?"

"Malfoy!" Granger gasped.

"What? There is nothing wrong with—"

"Just shut up."

"But you asked me—"

"Shush!"

I closed my mouth, nostrils flaring. How dare she? Asked me a question and have the impudence to tell me to shut up!

We reached the Potions class in silence. I refused to speak to her. Damn infuriating woman!

I knocked on the door and Snape opened the door, poking his oily head out.

"Come in." He said blankly.

We followed him in and took a seat before his desk.

"You may be wondering why I asked you two to come." He started.

_Get on with it. I have other important things to do! I have—._ I stopped, noticing that something was on Snape's lips. I squinted my eyes, trying to peer in closer. It was awfully shiny... and luminous... Did Snape oil his lips? _Merlin, that is disgusting._ Wait—no, it's not oil. There is a faint smell... Damn, I can smell it from here... Smells like... _strawberries? _What the hell?

"Mr. Malfoy, is there anything wrong with your eyes?"

"Huh?" I blinked.

Snape rolled his eyes and sneered. "You have been staring at me for the past five minutes. Is there anything on my face that you wish to tell me?"

"Uhh..." I uttered, rather dumbly. "No Professor."

Snape pursed his lips and continued on whatever he was talking about. I was not really listening because there was something else that captured my attention.

I gasped, finally realizing what it was. What was that thing that females use? Some Muggle makeup that found its way into the Wizard world... something even my own mother uses! That thing they put on their lips?

_Lip water?_

_Lip oil?_

_Lip glue...?_ No... Something glossy...

Aha! _Lip-gloss_!

Snape is wearing lip-gloss... Fuck! What the hell is with him! I knew the slimy git was somewhat in need of help... or sex... Maybe Snape is secretly a cross-dresser? That would explain a lot.

"...Miss Granger... Mr. Malfoy... together... projects..."

Damn, that lip-gloss is so shiny I could see my reflection... Hmm... Snape needs to wash his mouth; there is something stuck in his teeth... and it's green... urgh...

"Mr. Malfoy?"

I can't believe I used to like this git. Damn cross-dresser...

"Mr. Malfoy!"

I snapped out of my thoughts. "What?"

"Have you been listening to anything I have been saying?"

"Yes. You were talking about Granger tied together with something and being projected... off a tower?"

Snape looked at me blankly. "No, Mr. Malfoy. It was nothing involving Miss Granger being projected off a tower."

"Oh. Damn." I said, sighing.

Granger sent a scowl along my way and I returned it with a smile, an evil one, at that.

"I was only testing you, Professor." I said, lying. "You want Granger and me to work together on a project."

"Yes, something like that." He nodded. I caught another reflection of me on his lips. I had the biggest urge to grab a paper and wipe his lips with it, but I forced myself to stay seated.

"And this project ties in with another one of your classes. The whole seventh year is doing this, but I'm telling you first so you can explain it to them later." He continued. "It will count as a double grade, one for this class and one for your other class."

The light on the wall bounced off Snape's lips and hit me directly in the eye. I squinted, looking at Snape through half-closed eyes.

"Mr. Malfoy, are you sure there is nothing wrong with your vision?"

"Yes, Professor."

"Then stop looking like such a retarded fool! Such a disgrace!"

I heard Granger snickered. I'll get her later.

I strained to open my eyes, but the light reflecting of Snape's glossy lips was just too powerful. "Professor, if I may be excused... there is something in my eyes..."

I got up from my seat and headed towards the door.

"Professor," I heard Granger say. "What is the other class?"

"Professor Daria Malfoy's class, Sex Education."

I halted in my steps, my eyelids shot open. _Oh fuck no_.

* * *

**Author's Note**: I'm thrilled to know that people like this story! My friends say that I have a strange sense of humor and I'm glad that you guys think this story is funny. Gracias!

**Questions asked and answered:**

**Dramionerox**: No, I don't think I'll be doing any of Hemione's P.O.V in this story. It's going to be purely Draco's P.O.V and maybe some scenes where Draco is not there.

**The Brainless Wonderr**: I'm purposely titling every chapter with D. D for Draco... since it is his story, after all...

**Okay, this is very important. The story is told in Draco Malfoy's point of view, so this is all of _his thinking_. It could be factual or it could be false. Draco is the narrator, so all you know is his words and his own thoughts. All I'm telling you is you'll learn a little bit along the way.**

**So please don't go flaming me about things you think I insinuated.**

I updated pretty quickly. Yay me!

**So please review!** Come on, I'll give you a cookie. )


	6. Discretion

**Author's Note: **I updated. Amazing, I know. But don't expect these quick updates though, it's just something with the water around this time that told me to write.

Much thanks to my beta, F'lessan.

**Important:** I am definitely not aiming for a heavy-duty romance story this time. I am not typically a romantic person (Oh the _horror_! No, not really). Fair warning so you won't have to be disappointed later on and pester me for lack of lovey dovey crap.

I let my friend read this story during class. Poor child was hyperventilating... Such a vivid and wild imagination she has.

BTW, as a reminder, as much as I would love to thank each and every review, but terribly sorry, I can't. Despite the fact that it will be impossible for me, I love you all for reviewing and liking my story, but ehh... I'm lazy as hell. You understand. –Gives you a cookie -

Oh, on another note. See that this fanfic is rated "M". If your mind cannot handle it, there are plenty of "K" fanfics out there. Happy reading.

* * *

**Chapter Six- Discretion**

* * *

There was darkness everywhere. I could not even see my hands in front of me. The obscurity shielded everything from my eyes as I wondered what in the bloody hell I was doing here. Was there a reason, a _purpose_ as to why I was stranded in this damn darkness? Is this a foreshadowing? Like some crazy crap that I heard Pothead would be having? For some odd reason, I could hear his voice in my head. _Oh my scar hurts; I'm such a gay wuss, I can't stand the pain. My scar hurts. Ow. Ow. Voldemort will come back. I see dead people. Ron and I will marry. Granger will carry the baby for us. We will all be a big happy family._

I took a step forward, almost expecting the ground to open up and swallow me, sending me into the eternal depths of hell. To my surprise, I remained where I was. I tapped my foot repeatedly, anxiousness enveloping me. If there was a reason why I am here, it better reveal itself soon.

I sighed, thinking how ridiculously _clichéd_ this dream or _nightmare_ was. The ominous darkness, terrors leaking at every corner, me not being able to see anything and then maybe some retarded person that resembles Trelawney comes along and tells me that I am going to die choking on a chicken bone. What was next? Granger is going to pop out of nowhere and announce that we're getting married? I snorted loudly. If that is the case, then it is a bloody nightmare.

I sat down, wondering if there was such a thing as sleeping during a dream while you are sleeping. I lay down; I couldn't possibly care. If nothing interesting happens, I might as well sleep.

Unexpectedly, I saw Daria's face, big and bold. It scared the hell out of me as I scrambled to my feet. She grinned, flashing her bright teeth. If I had thought seeing Granger in my dream was bad, imagine the horror that swept through me when I saw my aunt. It is simply terrifying enough that she plagues me when I'm awake, must she haunt my dreams too? Seriously, I believe the only reason that unbearable woman still manage to survive until this day is to make my life miserable.

"Draco-Waco!" Her voice came out like shrilled, like a high-pitched voice that could break glass. I cringed and started to run the opposite way.

"Draco-Waco, come back!" Her unruly floating head came after me and I ran faster.

"What the hell, woman! Can't you ever leave me alone! I want to sleep in peace!" I screamed, still running.

"Draco, come back to your dear old aunt."

_Old_ was true, _dear_ was not.

Suddenly, her mouth twisted and her loud, crow-like laughter resonated in my ears. The sound was deafening, banging against my eardrums until I thought my ears would explode.

"Draco Malfoy, you and Hermione Granger shall live happily ever after together!" She bellowed.

_Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!_

I finally woke up, breathing heavily and sweating immensely. I sighed, happy that it was just a bloody nightmare and it was over. I'll be damned if Granger and I live happily ever after together. Gods, I definitely could not see that.

Her white hair remained frizzled and bushy for years. She had that frown upon her face. Her skin was sagging and she had more wrinkles to spare. "Malfoy, I thought I told you to wash the dishes!" Her voice was older, high-pitched, but it still maintained that Granger-like bossiness.

_I tried to stand up to argue, but my bones were killing me more than helping me. "Granger, if you did not free all my house elves, we wouldn't be having this problem!" I shook my cane angrily at her. "You damn witch!" _

I shuddered, repulsed at the thought of marrying Granger and growing old with her. Knowing that wench, I'll be dead before I have my first gray hair.

I tossed the covers away and prodded around for my slippers. My eyes fell on Granger's sleeping form. I felt sickened. Someone has been planning this. I swear; someone must be planning this from the very beginning. A horrible, _horrible_ plot. Otherwise, Dumbledore could not be that much of an idiot to let two students of the _opposite_ gender to live and sleep in the _same_ room. Honestly, what Headmaster would do such a thing! Outrageously inappropriate in every sort of way!

There has to be a hidden agenda. A deeply twisted, sickeningly scheme.

Dumbledore may be a terrible old coot, but he certainly knows his limits. Certainly I hope that he knows he does not appear so wise and clever for thinking up this plan as means to hopefully have me and Granger mend ties in some awfully devised plot. Have us fall hopelessly in love with each other for instance? I think not.

Something is up and I am determined to find the answer—along with the other schemes and ploys I must conjure up to further make the lives of others a living hell.

* * *

Upon seeing Granger walking to the Great Hall that morning with a Potions book in her arms, my mind flickered back to my dream. I quickly tossed it out of my mind, but focused on the situation with Snape that occurred last night.

_Immediately after I heard what that sniveling Snape had said about the other class that the project holds ties with, I stormed back into the classroom, overcoming the horrible glare of Snape's lips._

"_Professor, what in the blazing hell made you work with Daria?" I demanded._

"_Professor Malfoy, Mr. Malfoy. I would appreciate it if you would be formal." Snape said._

_"I don't give a flying donkey's arse. It's bad enough I have her class, but why did you have to make me spend time with her more than I have to?"_

"_I thought it was a wonderful idea when she suggested it." He said mildly. "It works well with both classes. Now, if you would, I have some business to do."_

"_Severus!"_

_Snape raised an eyebrow. "What did you just called me?"_

"_Professor—"_

"_That is enough. Remove yourself Mr. Malfoy. I will see you in class."_

_Defeated, I dragged my feet out of the room. Granger was waiting for me, a smirk on her face._

"_What are you so happy about witch?"_

"_Oh nothing." Granger said lightly, still smiling. "It just amuses me to see that you think your aunt is out there to get you."_

"_She is!"_

"_You should learn not to be so cynical, Malfoy. It's unhealthy."_

_I snorted and walked ahead. Then I stopped and slowly turned my head back to face her. "Granger, out of curiosity, did you see what was on Snape's lips?"_

_Granger cocked her head to one side and gave me a curious look. "Why were you staring at his lips?"_

"_It distracted me." I said bluntly. "Did you noticed how disgustingly shiny it was? And how it smelled like strawberries?"_

"_Maybe he does not like having dry lips."_

"_Bullshit!" I exclaimed. "I have a theory that he is a cross-dresser."_

"_A cross-dresser?" She looked at me questioningly._

"_A cross-dresser! You know, like a man who likes to secretly dress up like a woman. With lingerie, makeup—"_

"_I know what a cross-dresser is! I'm just wondering how... But..." She paused, thinking deeply. "Maybe he is..."_

"_I propose we find out and blackmail that bloody git for teaming up with Daria. They're all scheming something. Damn bastards."_

I hope Granger did not forget our proposal. I took a sip of my pumpkin juice, my lips lingering on the rim of the goblet. I saw Potter and Weasley behind her. I quickly placed the goblet down, coughing and almost choking on the juice. I wiped the droplets away from my lips and stood up. Midst of my planning to blackmail Snape last night, I had totally forgot about Potter and Weasley's predicament.

I looked at the clock. There were thirty minutes until it was time for Daria's class. I left the Great Hall anyway, not caring that I would be late for her class. Who cares about going to her class on time? I have other important matters to attend to.

I went back to my room and scrimmaged around for a parchment, quill and inkpot. Settling comfortably on my desk, I commenced my work. With great precision and careful strokes, I made sure it was perfect. My tongue curled to the corner of my lips, as I was concentrated on making sure I did not mess up. I shook off the excess ink from the quill and continued with my plan, working on the parchment. My penmanship on this was wonderful compared to everything else I wrote.

In my mind, I was quite gleeful. _Oh it is absolutely brilliant!_

At last, I was done. I set the quill down and admired my beautiful work. The ink was still wet, but it was still marvelous nonetheless. I grinned, feeling so proud. I am such a scheming person; I am a Slytherin, after all; it's in my blood.

I waited for the ink for dry before rolling it up and placing it in a secure place where Granger will definitely will not find it—in my drawer of my boxers, of course.

I was such in a good mood that going to Daria's class did not falter it.

I arrived twenty minutes late and Daria frowned at me as I entered, but I returned her frown with a smile. She looked at me skeptically before returning to her teaching.

"Draco, we're viewing the male reproductive system today. Miss Granger has been patiently waiting for you."

I took a seat next to Granger. _Patiently waiting?_ HA! Granger's complexion was redder than a tomato.

She looked rather cute when she's mad.

On a second thought... maybe not.

"Malfoy! You're late! Class is almost over! I'll get a low grade because of you!" She hissed.

"Relax Granger," I said. "With all that anger, you might give yourself an orgasm."

There was a little twitching of the veins in her forehead. She opened her mouth, ready to shoot a remark, but she closed it abruptly. Pursing her lips, she said, "Well, in that case, I'll bet you'll be happy to join me."

I almost fell out of my chair.

Did Granger just made that comment?

Did _Hermione Granger_ just flirt with _Draco Malfoy_?

Bloody hell.

The world is going to end.

"Certainly." I said, smirking.

Granger did not say anything else. She went to the front of the room to get our wands. After she returned, with a quick saying of the spell, the holographic image of the male's reproductive system flashed before our eyes. My, I was quite surprised. IT almost looked like the real thing. A bit small though, but since this was only a demonstration and I assumed most of the girls probably did see the real thing. Probably mine. Ha.

Granger's mouth parted and her eyes widened. I knew it. I absolutely knew it. Because of the unfortunate (for Granger) incident that Potter and Weasley only have eyes for each other, she has probably lost her only chance of ever losing her virginity and seeing the _real thing_. But then again, I don't think Potter and Weasley were ever _manly_ enough to even possess one.

"Granger," I said. "You act like you have never seen something like this before."

From her silence, it did not take an idiot to figure it out. Oh, how would I love torture her.

"Oh don't tell me you have _never_." I feigned surprise. "Even Pothead and Weasel didn't want to show it? How did you _ever_ survive this long?"

Granger recovered from her shock and looked at me, twitching her nose with annoyance. "Oh hush. I'm very content with not ever seeing one, thank you very much."

"Would you like to?" I raised an eyebrow. "Half price to first-timers. Extra charge if you want to touch it. Double charge if you want to try—"

Then I felt a heavy impact on my head and blacked out.

* * *

I groaned as I woke up. Daria's face was the first one I saw when my eyes opened. _Fuck._

I closed my eyes again, wishing her away. I opened them again. There she is. _Dammit._

"How long have I been knocked out?" I asked, sitting up. I was in the Hospital Wing.

"Only for an hour or so." Daria said, peering closely at my head. "Miss Granger sure did a job on that head of yours."

I quickly scampered out of bed and raced to my room, completely ignoring Daria's protests. I grabbed the rolled parchment from my drawer and unrolled it, smoothing it out on my desk. With a mutter of a simple duplicating spell and a whish of my wand, the one sheet of parchment turned into a stack.

Grinning madly, I set to decorate the Hogwarts walls.

When lunch arrived two hours later, I was terribly hungry. On my way to the Great Hall, I saw a head of bushy hair in front of me.

"Granger." I called out.

She turned around and upon seeing who it was that called her name; she walked faster. _Damn mudblood bitch_. No one ignores me.

"Granger!" I yelled again. "Your intelligence may not be up to mine, but I know you're not deaf."

She turned around again, exasperated. "What do you want?"

"I'm not happy about this bruise on my precious head."

"Well, it's certainly not my fault you are a klutz."

"From now on, I am completely ignoring you and pretending you cease to exist. Since you do not exist, I am talking to myself right now and I should stop."

"Yes, if a certain Slytherin prat is talking to himself, then I strongly suggest he receive psychological help." With that she turned on her heels and proceeded to walk away.

But no further than a few steps, she stopped. "If the Slytherin who talks to himself is still behind me and have heard the noise that is coming from this abandoned classroom, he better found what who it belongs to."

"Then he shall." I said and reached to the door.

I was close to turning the doorknob, but the conversation was intriguing.

"Harry, can't you go a little easier on me? It hurts."

"Well Ron, you're just going to have to be a man and suck it up."

Weasley let out a moan.

"Switch position." Harry said. "I can't do it from this side."

I found Granger next to me.

"Is it Harry and Ron?" She asked softly.

I nodded.

She bit her lip nervously.

"Well, at least from this position, it doesn't hurt as much." Weasley said. "I swear, by the time we're done, I'm gonna have to rub my back all the way to my arse. The pain is everywhere."

"Are you going to do this again?" Potter asked.

"Hell no. This experience with you Harry is painful." Weasley let out another moan. "_Ohhhhhhhh._.."

"I can't stand this anymore." Granger gritted. "I can't! I have to confront them! They cannot go around doing this!"

She grabbed the doorknob and flung the door open.

My eyes bulged to the size of saucers.

My chin dropped.

The sight rooted me to the spot.

* * *

**TBC**

Cliffhanger. Yeah I know I'm a bastard. So sue me.

Review anyways. Til next time.


	7. Disclosed & Disputes

**Author's Notes:** Thanks for the reviews. You should also thank my bummy friend for the quick update. She's been pestering me endlessly.

* * *

**Chapter Seven- Disclosed & Disputes**

* * *

If it were anyone else, I know they would feel terribly guilty after doing this, but come on; it's _Draco Malfoy_ you're talking about. Honestly, what is there to feel guilty for?

I knew they were being sniggered at. Hell, I was probably the _main one_, the _loudest_, and the _most obvious_... But still, I could not help it. Something as hilarious and absolutely shocking as this could not be kept as a secret.

I kept an eye on Potter and Weasley the entire day, watching their every movement. I noticed that they _noticed_ they were being watched and talked about. It's no wonder they are so edgy.

And after what I seen and done two days ago. Ha!

**Two days ago:**

There was a little twitching in a corner part of my brain. Perhaps it was sending sparks, but it completely froze me.

I have never seen something like this in all my life.

And I thought seeing Snape in a dress before corrupted my innocence.

Or even seeing Daria's knickers.

But this topped it all.

Fucking hell.

Weasley has sprawled on his stomach, bending over a desk and Potter was behind him.

Merlin, Weasley was half-naked. Gods, did I need this torture?

Seeing Potter and his boyfriend in the act?

At first I couldn't breathe.

I was wheezing.

Then I blinked, turning over to look at Granger,

In a clumsy move, she fainted to the floor.

"Hermione!" Potter and Weasley both screamed, rushing to Granger's side.

"What in the bloody hell is going on!" I demanded.

"Hermione, are you okay?" Potter asked as they attended to the mudblood, completely ignoring my existence.

"I-I'm fine." Granger said, sitting up. Seeing Potter and Weasley's faces, she closed her eyes again.

"Hermione, we'll get you to the Hospital Wing." Weasley said, helping her stand up.

Knowing Granger, I do not believe she could tell Pomfrey that she almost had a concussion seeing her two homophile bestfriends in the midst of their 'act'.

"No—no, I'm fine." Granger stood up and dazedly took a step away from them. "I-I want you both to explain _right now_."

They both looked sheepishly at each other. Weasley's ears were flaming redfromembarrassment.

"Well see..."

"See _what_!" Granger screamed. I have never seen her so mad. "That you two have been keeping secrets from me?_ Doing Merlin knows what?_! I can't believe this!"

"Hermione, its not as bad as you think!" Potter protested. "Ron wanted to do it—I-I told him it would hurt, but he still wanted to try it."

"We didn't want to tell you because we knew you wouldn't approve of us doing this and it was boys only..." Weasley fidgeted with his fingers.

_Boys only? No wonder Granger wasn't invited_. I thought sarcastically.

"Boys only?" Granger said, fuming. "I wouldn't care if it was hippogriffs only, but you could've at least told me... instead of letting me finding out this way..."

A tear ran down her cheek and I almost felt sorry for her. _Almost_, but not quite.

"Hermione, we're really, really, really sorry." Potter said. "We didn't think you get this mad over something as little as this..."

"As little?" Granger became more outraged by the second. Damn I would definitely hate to be on her bad side... Then again... I am always am.

Slowly, she tried to steady her breathing and calm herself down. "How long has this been going on?"

"We just started... a couple of days ago." Weasley said. I wondered how long have they known they were gay...

Granger looked at them coldly. "What? I'm not good enough as a friend that you can't ever tell me anything? Shall I forever remain as the third wheel?"

"We're sorry we weren't thinking. We thought you would give us a lecture if you found out. Knowing how... so very strict you are and..." Weasley was digging himself into an early grave.

"But I'm not biased!" Granger threw her arms up in the air. "I would've understood!"

"We're sorry." Potter muttered. "We didn't think you would be all worked up over a tattoo."

"Well of course I would be! Knowing that my two bestfriends are shagging each other—" She paused. "Wait, a _what!_"

Potter blinked.

What in the hell is a tappoo?

"I was giving Ron a tattoo!"

Ohh... a _tattoo_... tattoo... tappoo... what's the difference?

"Is that some sort of sex position for males?" I wondered.

"No you bloody idiot!" Potter screamed. "A tattoo is a drawing on your skin. I was drawing a lion on Ron's back."

Weasley turned around and I finally saw the cause of all this. In vivid colors was a half finished picture of a prowling lion on half of Weasley's back.

I really doubt their reasoning; it must be some sort of excuse to really hide their true intentions. But I will give them the benefit of the doubt—for the sake of my eyes.

"What was all the moaning about?" I asked.

Potter looked like he didn't want to answer my question, but he did anyway. "Ron couldn't take the pain."

"Oh... and I thought it was because of you going in and out of him." I said, smirking.

"That was the fucking needle." He gritted.

"YOU THOUGHT HARRY AND ME WAS GAY!" Weasley shrieked.

_Bravo_... how long did it take for him to figure that complex puzzle out?

"Hey, no need to go on full blast, Weasley. We're standing right here." I said, scowling.

"How can you possibly think that Hermione?" Potter asked the mudblood, but I answered it for her, only because I wanted to make the comment.

"Well, it was only common sense, really." I said earnestly. "I thought you and Weasel went disarray—completely out of character of yourselves, decided to be gay and somehow managed to find comfort in each other."

Potter and Weasley gaped stupidly. Like always? Yes.

"So it was completely natural for us to believe you both were shagging the hell out of each other when we heard a lot of moaning and groaning behind these doors." I said casually. "After all, your choice of words absolutely sent inappropriate thoughts in our heads."

"Excuse me?" A voice interrupted us.

A couple of boys whom I identified were Hufflepuffs came up to Potter and Weasley. The leader of the group, looking a bit twitchy, stood awkwardly and fiddled nonstop with his fingers.

"Uhh... Harry Potter?" The boy said. He was tightly clutching a piece of parchment in his hands. I eyed it suspiciously, wondering if it was what I thought it was.

"Yes?" Potter said, looking very annoyed at the boy.

"We're sorry to bother you... but we have been looking for you. W-we saw your advertisement for the _Harry Potter and Ronald Weasley Rainbow Males' Gay Club_ and we are very much interested in joining..."

"What?" Potter and Weasley both exclaimed in unison. "WE ARE NOT GAY!"

"But the paper said—"

"I don't give a damn about what the paper said!" Weasley said angrily. "Now get out of here before I hex you!"

Terrified, the Hufflepuff boys scampered away.

I took a step back, careful to leave without being seen. However, I made no more than three steps when Granger turned to greet me with a viscous glare. "Malfoy!" She stomped towards me.

"What?" I said, plastering on an innocent expression on my face. "I didn't do anything."

"Malfoy, you're honestly telling me you did not do this?" Granger shoved the paper in front of my face.

**Hogwarts School Proudly Presents **

**The Harry Potter & Ronald Weasley Rainbow Males' Gay Club**

**Open to all males of every house, Gryffindor and Hufflepuffs preferred.**

_**See Harry Potter or Ronald Weasley for more details.**_

Below, there was an animated drawing of two male stick figures hugging. (That is beautiful artwork.)

"I'm terribly sorry for breaking your hearts, but see here, I'm completely straight." I said, handing the paper back to Potter. "I do appreciate your generous offer of inviting me into this little rendezvous of yours—"

"Malfoy, we did not write this!" Potter said angrily. "I know you did it."

"Oh come on now, if that is a cheap trick of getting me to join your club—"

"I don't have a club! I don't even like you!"

"Is that supposed to break my heart? Because really, I'm moved by your tactics to get me—"

"Malfoy, not everyone wants your overly pompous arse." Granger interrupted.

"Not everyone, you say? So you mean _someone_ does want _my overly pompous arse_. I know I have a nice one—"

"Malfoy, shut up!" Weasley screamed. "I'm going to fuckin' kill you!" He lunged towards, hands outstretched and fingers curled to probably grasp my neck.

I quickly stepped out of the way and stuck my foot out. The idiot tripped and was sent sprawling to the ground.

"I do not appreciate you jumping on me like that. It's considered _rape_. I would like to keep my innocence."

Potter whipped out his hand and held it threatening to my face.

"You'll pay Malfoy, you'll pay." He said forebodingly.

"How much money?" I asked, knowing very well I was being a complete arse.

"Money isn't going to buy your way out of this." Weasley said, gritting his teeth.

"How would you know? You never had the opportunity." I said.

Once again, Weasley attempted to make a vicious attack on me. Unfortunately, this time, he succeeded.

I was knocked down and I felt a heavy impact on my jaw as his fist connected. My head snapped to the other side. I bit on my lip and blood was dripping from a corner of my mouth.

Fucking bastard.

I tried to push him off, but he was thrashing wildly.

Determined, I made sure I gave him a bloody lip and a black eye.

"What's the meaning of all this! Draco, stop punching Mr. Weasley in his stomach!"

Daria stormed into the classroom and struggled to break apart the fight.

In my attempts to give Weasley one last punch, my fist landed on Daria's cheek.

I froze, realizing my action.

Oh bloody hell.

I'm never going to hear the end of it from Mother.

* * *

**TBC**

* * *

**For the sake of the story, please do not reveal what Harry and Ron were doing if you review. That way, you would not ruin the fun for everyone else.**

**BTW, review please. Don't be a lazy bum like me. That's a life lesson.**


	8. Dumbledore & Devising

**Author's Note:** Thank you for the reviews. Extra thanks to the reviewers whose reviews took me more than two seconds to read. (I love long reviews, ones that offer me advice on the storyline, to improve my writing, criticism, characterizations, even ramble if you must.)

P.S. It's May! My birthday month.

* * *

**Chapter Eight**

**Dumbledore & Devising**

* * *

I leaned back into my chair, a lazy smirk at my lips. I swung my legs up and placed my foot on the edge of Dumbledore's desk. The old coot was not here as of yet, he was probably trying to lure some poor first or second year girls into his trap. _Would you like some lemon drops?_ Then a twinkle in his eye and a kind smile and the whole bloody world is just fine because he is so damn wise and nice that everybody is supposed to believe him.

They would _never_ think he'd do something terrible. _Oh no, of course not._ Everybody is supposed to take his word for everything because everything he said was right even if he talked in circles and people often wondered what the hell he is talking about half the time. He lets you struggle and nearly kill yourself to death and in the end, when you're finally bloody bruised; he reveals the whole damn story. Who is eviler? Dumbledore or Voldemort? Talk about torture. Dumbledore makes my head hurt.

Potter and Weasley were still shooting me looks of pure venom. I supposed they were that upset about the poster... Haha.

"Malfoy, get your disgusting feet off Dumbledore's desk!" Granger shoved my feet aside, nearly making me tip over my chair. She was sitting next to me.

"Granger that was uncalled for." I said scathingly, situating myself comfortably into the chair. "Where is the bloody coot anyways?"

"He's coming soon." Daria said, massaging her swollen cheek. I was surprised that she was still talking to me after I nearly sent her head backwards.

"I hope you get your arse kicked out Malfoy." Weasley muttered hatefully. He looked absolutely ridiculous with his black eye, bloody and engorged mouth that I could not help but snicker.

"Dumbledore wouldn't dare kick me out. I'm Head-Boy and a _Malfoy_. I could have your family live in sewers if not for the bloody hovel you're in now."

Weasley leaped up from his chair and attempted to jump towards me. His assault was hindered by Potter and Daria, stopping him in time before he did any more damage to my face.

"Draco, stop messing with Mr. Weasley." Daria scowled or rather, _tried to_, because her swollen cheek just made her face look lopsided.

"He started it! No one messes with a Malfoy!"

"_A Malfoy_?" Granger gave a dry laugh. "No offense to you Professor Malfoy," She said quickly to Daria. She turned back to me. "Malfoy, you can't keep using your name to get everything you want. Malfoy or not, you're just like every one of us. _Human_—no, scratch that, a _breathing creature_. As Homo sapiens, we are all inclined to different attributes, but we're all equal regardless of our surnames."

I blinked.

"So if you please, stop saying '_a Malfoy'_ as if saying that entitles you to certain preferences that we are denied from. Everyone should have equality and that includes house elves..."

_Oh bloody hell._ Here she goes...

"...blah...blah...blah...justice... equal treatment... llamas."

I blinked again.

"Malfoy, have you been listening to anything I have been saying?" Granger asked, infuriated.

"Of course."

"What was I saying?"

"Bullshit."

She glared at me.

What? Did I say something wrong?

"It is not bollocks." She huffed indignantly. "You are just too narrow-minded and so highly opinionated that you refused to see properly."

"Like I said, bullshit."

"Hermione," Potter said. "Just give up. Malfoy is too stupid to understand. He is not as kindhearted as you."

"Thank the stars. I think I would carve my heart out if I was."

"Isn't Madame Pomfrey supposed to be here now?" Daria asked, possibly trying to divert the conversation somewhere else.

"I'm sorry I was not here sooner!"

Speaking of the witch.

Pomfrey came into the room, huffing and puffing. "Mr. Longbottom had a terrible accident and I had to repair his arm first." She surveyed the faces in the room. "Mr. Weasley and Mr. Malfoy, what happened? Ms. Malfoy, you too?"

"Children these days, always fighting. Can't settle anything without a fist and a bloody face, huh? I tell you, in my days, we resort to talking out our problems." She said, cleaning up Weasley's face and gave him a packet of magicked ice. "Not all of this fighting. Mr. Weasley, hold it firmly on your eye."

When she had gotten to me, I noticed that her lips faintly curled in disgust. I always knew the Medi-Witch was not particularly fond with me. I must say I'm surprised she has not injected poison into my bloodstream while trying to cure me.

By the time Pomfrey was done healing everyone, Dumbledore had finally came.

"Ah, truly sorry I'm late. Student traffic." He smiled. It sent shivers up my spine... and down.

"Now what seems to be the problem?"

"Perhaps Malfoy would like to explain." Potter sent a glare my way.

I shrugged my shoulders and went with my side of the story. "Well it was rumored that Potter and Weasley were shagging each other and—"

"We were not!" Weasley interrupted. "He's lying—the bloody git!

"Mr. Weasley, if you calm down please and let Mr. Malfoy continue." Dumbledore said.

"Granger and I happened to catch them in the act today and it just so happens some fellow Hufflepuffs saw Potter's and Weasley's advertisement for a club and they wanted to join." I said. "All of a suddenly, Weasley attacked me. I punched him, but Daria suddenly appeared out of nowhere and I hit her instead. Now we're here."

"I see." The coot nodded his decomposing head. "Now Mr. Potter, if you please."

Adjusting his ridiculously looking cheap glasses, Potter said his side. "Ron and I were definitely _NOT_ shagging each other." He sent a glare my way before continuing. "Over the summer, during my short stay at the Dursleys', I found a tattoo—"

"There goes that tappoo again." I sighed, exasperated.

"It's called a _TATTOO_!" Potter screamed.

"Whatever."

"Anyways, I found a tattoo pen that used to belong to Dudley. I knew electronic Muggle objects did not work in the Wizard World, so I adjust it so it could inject ink in the skin if you poke in and out of the skin fast enough."

"Potter, before I turn fifty please."

Potter ignored me. "I showed it to Ron and he said he wanted to try it. I drew a picture of a lion on Ron's back. Turns out, he couldn't take all of the pain and he was groaning a lot. That is where _he_," He indicated his head towards me. "heard what he thought was..." Potter shuddered. "Me and Ron _shagging_... Then the bloke had the nerve to go around posting on the walls that Ron and I was opening a club for men! _Gay_ men!"

"Is this true Mr. Malfoy?" Dumbledore asked me.

"I was merely doing them a favor." I said nonchalantly. "If you heard them, Professor, you've have thought the same thing. Ask Granger, she was there with me."

Dumbledore turned to Granger. She immediately straightened her back and sat up in her chair. "Eh..." A blush crept up to her cheeks as she fidgeted with her skirt. "I'm afraid I have to side with Malfoy spite of my dislike for him. It was a moment when I thought..."

"Thank you Miss Granger, you don't have to continue." Dumbledore gave another smile. "It all seems to be a misunderstanding. No one is hurt, well you all have been healed anyways, so if that is all, please return to your businesses."

"Professor, what about the fight? You aren't going to punish Malfoy?" Weasley asked.

"Mr. Weasley, you were the one to attack him first?"

Weasley sheepishly nodded.

"Technically, Mr. Weasley, you have started the fight. Mr. Malfoy is not at fault."

Weasley was affronted by my big cheesy grin. Ha! For once, the old coot was on my side!

"This is still the beginning of the school year. Let's start off with a clean slate, shall we?" Dumbledore said.

Everyone reluctantly nodded.

"Mr. Potter and Mr. Weasley, a word please."

I walked out with Granger and Daria.

"Now about... what's that again? Oh, now about that tattoo... Does it hurt that much? Because I wonder..."

Dumbledore's voice died out as I reached farther down the stairs. _Crazy old coot._

* * *

"Severus has told you about the adjoining project, yes?" Daria asked once we left the stairs.

"Yes." Granger said.

I walked on, mumbling about greasy hair and crow-laughter not mixing together.

"This project is extremely important. I cannot exaggerate the significance of it towards your grade as it shall take months to complete it."

"I understand Professor Malfoy."

"Please, call me Daria. I already told you on the first day of class."

"Yes Prof—I mean, Daria."

I rolled my eyes. Honestly... _women_!

"The significance towards our grade?" Granger asked.

"Yes, yes." said Daria. "As well as its significance towards my class. You'll see, in the end I'll explain everything. Now as Head-Girl and Head-Boy, I need you and Draco to help me get the supplies needed for the potion because well, Severus does not have all of them."

"When will we be getting them?"

"Whenever you have time."

"In that case," I said. "That'll be never. I afraid I'm such a busy person. It won't be possible. With class work and everything..."

"Oh, don't worry." Daria flashed a grin. "Severus will lighten up the workload for you two."

My mouth nearly dropped. _Snape? Giving us less work?_ What in the bloody hell is going on?

"I still don't know what this potion is for." I said, pouting.

"Just get the ingredients first." Daria said. "When it's time to make the potion—which won't be very long... maybe in a month to two months' time, I'll explain everything. Wouldn't want to ruin the surprise now?" She gave me a wink.

I cringed.

She was absolutely delirious.

"I'll have the list of ingredients needed by Monday morning. See me after class!" With that, my crazy aunt ran off to Merlin-knows-where.

Plotting against me... _Everyone_ is plotting against me...

I know Weasel will definitely be calling his twin brothers to help for his vengeance. Potter will be doing something too...

Dumbledore—that blundering crack of a man. Letting me stay with Granger for an entire month... Bloody bastard.

Daria—that woman has been against me ever since the day I was born. Humiliating me... I shuddered, recalling a familiar scenario when I was four that involved Halloween and a pink bunny outfit.

"Thinking a bit much, Malfoy?"

"Yes... and that surprises you?"

"Frankly, I am."

"How? If you thought getting the second best grades did not require thinking..."

"Oh?" Granger perked up, smiling. _Damn!_ I just compliment the wench without knowing it.

"So you admit that a mudblood is smarter than you."

"I admit that I let a mudblood has surpassed me in grades, but I will not admit she is smarter than me because she is not."

"Denial." Granger sighed.

"A mudblood can never surpass a pureblood."

"Sometimes I'm just tired of it. I'm tired of being called a mudblood, even though I got over it, it still irks me till this day."

"Can't help you there." I said, examining my perfectly manicured nails with interest.

"Malfoy!"

_Urgh_. I have a little dirt under the pinkie.

"MALFOY!"

"What?" I looked up, annoyed. "Tired of being a mudblood? Oh well, can't do much about it."

"I wish you stop calling me that. I'm not ashamed of being from Muggle parents, but sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I was pureblooded."

I considered it for a minute. "Nah, can't imagine you as so."

"Really?" Granger wondered. "I guess not. I might turn out to be a sissy little spoiled rotten prat like you. That would be awful—_truly awful_."

Annoyed by her comment, I flung the piece of dirt under my pinkie at her.

* * *

Monday morning.

I was lying on my bed, watching Granger walk around our room. She was fascinating... really... in that sort of weird way. Like watching ants crawl around in the dirt while you're wondering how they look so small, but inside their mind, it's complex and full of intricacies.

I didn't really see her in a new light.

Maybe an ant.

But not some shining light that lures me over.

_Gods, definitely not._

And I can still squash her under my foot.

_Like an ant._

Perhaps I'm being too much of a bastard, but I'm Draco Malfoy. That's my only reason.

However, there was something different about her that I've noticed. Her hair is... _bushier _than usual... if that was possible.

What happened to the luscious waves that fell in curls I had seen on the train ride on the first day of school?

"Granger, you need a makeover." I said suddenly. "Not for the sake of yourself, but for the sake of everyone else having to look at you everyday in your unruly hairstyle and oversized robes."

"A makeover?" Granger stopped what she was doing. She looked a little stun at my words and I was naturally going to assume that she was going to get infuriated. On the contrary to my belief, she did not get mad at all. "I know I'm not that horrible looking, _thank you very much_. And if I did wanted to get a makeover and since you believe I need one, then I have to tell you, I simply can't."

"Why not?" I was thinking relatively along the line of her saying that she did not want to look 'pretty' or that was against her standards or some other bull she usually deals me with.

"Because," She took a deep breath and said in artificial sadness as she placed her hand over her chest in what supposedly was a pity-me-gesture. "I don't have an American cousin since they seemed to be all the rage with makeovers and everything. I heard that from Lavender." She added that quickly.

"My makeover would be entirely impossible since I don't have a female cousin in good ol' U S of A. Unless I give myself a makeover and revamp my wardrobe to nothing but tank tops and mini-skirts, I might end up looking like a horrendous half-naked clown."

I thought about it. She did have a point and her answer was quite reasonable.

"I suppose you're right." I told her. "You really don't have much _assets_ to fill out the tank tops and mini-skirts. Lest we become traumatized for what's hiding beneath those robes, I take back my remark. "

Granger gave a dry laugh. "You're hilarious. _Really_. You are." She walked out of the room.

I swung my legs over my bed and followed her out. She was an interesting specimen. If not the mudblood... she is still an ant—with a brilliant mind. But I'll never admit that.

* * *

**Author's Note:** I was planning Daria's curriculum, her lessons and the order in which she is supposed to teach each topic. Damn, I feel like such a teacher. Maybe in the end, you'll learn something—or maybe not.

On another note:

American cousins. Just wanted to add that. Ha. –Laughs dryly–

So review, review, **_review_**. It shows that my efforts of trying to write a decent story won't go to waste.


	9. Deceptive Draco

**Author's Note:** So I got my computer fixed, but everything on that computer was lost. Now, I'll have to write this story from memory and god knows my memory sucks. I don't know what I'm doing and I'm sure as hell I don't know what I'm writing.

**Events since my last update:**

1. I turned sixteen in May. Downside—I totally did not get drunk at my Sweet Sixteen.

2. Read Harry Potter and The Half-Blood Prince (Truth be told, I didn't like it much. Hopefully the 7th book is better.)

**IMPORTANT NOTE:**

The sixth Harry Potter book does not relate to this story in any way. I'm the writing story as if the sixth book never existed.

The umpteenth time, yes, I know Blaise Zabini is a male in the Harry Potter books. I'm not going to change my story just to suit one bloody canon. If you don't like it, tough luck sweetie.

* * *

American cousins

The little innuendo about American cousins refers to the over usage of Hermione getting a makeover from a cousin, usually many fanfiction authors explains as from an 'American cousin.' Some even has 'French cousin', 'Asian cousin', 'Canadian cousin'… whatever cousin. I'm not going to be a total bastard and actually link the stories. Come on, I'm not that mean. To further delineate this, go to search, 'Story by summary', and type in 'Hermione… makeover' or something relatively along those lines and you'll see what I mean. If not, then I fear you are beyond my help and in dire need of a sense of humor or sarcasm.

* * *

**Chapter Nine**- **Deceptive Draco**

* * *

It was the second week of the school year of hell. Every minute of Daria's class felt like I aged ten bloody years. Hell, I felt older than that bloody coot, Dumbledore and that's saying something. He's ancient. Probably by the time class ended, I'll walk out with a cane. I would not be surprised if I make a rather dashing elderly man. Of course, it is a well known fact that Malfoys (excluding Daria) look better as we age. See, we are like wine. As more time pass, the finer we are. Yet that does not exclude the fact that I am handsome and dashing now (note the female population); they all want me—eliminate Granger, she is an entirely different species.

Speaking of Granger, I found it rather odd that as much as I despise and cannot tolerate her presence and everything she stands for, I seemed to talk an awful lot about her. The mudblood practically succeeds me in every academic subject (not that I'll ever admit my failure to her—Merlin blast me to hell if I do), she is Potter's best friend and absolutely the most infuriating witch to have around. Her righteousness, her damn goodwill and compassion—it sickened me to the point of almost respecting her. Hence the word _almost_.

Even the mere thought of her gave me an excruciating headache. I shook my head and came back to focus on reality.

Unfortunately once again, I found myself in Daria's class on a (strangely enough) blistering hot, mid-September Friday morning. First off, there are many things to consider wrong in this current situation. One, it was the weather. It was September, for Merlin's sake, _mid-September_! It was the time when leaves are supposed to be changing color or whatnot and it was supposed to get colder. Where was the cool breeze when you need it? Two, Mother did not send me any mail regarding the incident when I knocked the hell out of Daria—which of course is quite surprising. It's not that I want her to send me mail; I was merely worried why she hasn't. Three, Zabini was sitting next to me and Merlin knows I can't stand her.

I tried to adjust myself to be more comfortable, but my arse practically stuck to the chair.

"Malfoy," Zabini said. "You looked flushed." She gave me a queer look before her eyes widened and she asked in an innocent-sort-of-way. "_Are you in heat_?"

I nearly fell out of my chair. "Zabini, what kind of question is that? Of course not." I gave her a scorn. "If I was, Weasley would be on my arse in a second."

I shuddered, a sudden bad image popped into my mind. Even if Potter said they were not doing as well presumed he and Weasley were doing… the mere picture of them when I walked into the room and actually thought they were… There goes my appetite for the day.

I looked around the room. Why did everyone seem to be cool except me? And what was that blue aurora around them? Wait a minute… the cooling charm! Of course! Why didn't I think of that sooner?

"Because you are stupid."

"What?" I turned to face the voice.

Oh.

It was that Zabini again. Was I thinking out loud?

"I'm sorry; I think you mistook your intellect for mine." I told her.

"Draco, pay attention!" Daria's voice came out of nowhere. Where was I again? Oh, Daria's class. _Damn._

I tried to focus on the topic at hand. What was she saying? Something… something…

"—This act is usually performed between two lovers… but considering the people of society today, even total strangers do it."

That's it!

_Sex—my favorite topic._

Of course I was all eyes and ears now. Bloody hell, who wouldn't be? Probably Granger. Or Longbottom.

"Sexual intercourse is an action in which the male inserts his penis into a woman's vagina." Daria informed us as if we all did not know that already. Well, perhaps there are few others who could be an exception.

"So what about two males?" I asked, eyeing Potter and Weasley.

They must've immediately known I was talking about them since they turned their head to me and gave me pure looks of venom. Oy, I love being the evil bastard. It's a gift, really.

"W-well, that's different. I can't say I know this from experience." Daria said. "But gay men do it in a completely different way."

I snorted. _From experience?_

"Excuse me Professor Malfoy; you really don't have to answer that question." Granger said quickly. She was probably trying to save her friends from embarrassment. _Oh how noble._

"I have to answer all questions, Miss Granger." Daria answered. "Questions must be answered. It's a learning experience and we're here to learn, right?"

"Y-yes…" Granger said slowly.

"That's right Granger." I told her. "And I'm _intrigued_ to know the answer."

"Why bother Malfoy?" Potter chirped in. "You know already. After all, _you_ did start the club. Therefore, you are the expertise."

"Aw, are you making a gay joke, Potter? You're hurting Weasley's feelings."

The red-headed bloke looked ready to kill me.

"Ohh—all of this animosity," Daria said. "It won't work in this classroom. Come on, shake hands and make up."

I sent my bloody aunt a darting look. _Shake hands and make up? What does the bitch take me for?_

"I said shake hands and make up or I'll pair you three up for the demonstration of sexual intercourse."

Any pigment of color I've ever had in my pale face was completely gone. Pair up with Pothead and Weasel for a sexual intercourse demonstration? There are at least a hundred things I can see wrong with that idea. The stake of my _manliness_… my reputation… Potter and Weasley losing their virginity… wait; they probably did it together already.

She has got to be kidding me.

She must've read my mind because she added, "I'm serious."

_Damn, that's one hell of a threat. _

Obviously, the two Gryffindors thought so too because they immediately stepped up with their hands outstretched. Fighting back the repulsed feeling within me for touching their hands, I shook both of their hands forcefully. Yet I knew shaking their hands weren't as bad as demonstrating sexual intercourse with them. I shuddered violently, thinking of how _corrupted_ and _traumatized_ I would be. I'm still innocent here!

"Okay everyone, I need everyone to pair up with the opposite gender." Daria said and clapped her hands.

"Ohh! Are we really going to demonstrate sexual intercourse?" Pansy asked excitedly and gave me a quick look.

_Fuck no._

"No, of course not." Daria said, laughing.

Pansy looked disappointed.

I could breathe again. _Thank god_.

I looked around the room_. Opposite gender? Hmm…._

_The Hufflepuff girls?_ I looked in their direction and flinched. Nope—out of the question.

_Ravenclaws?_ All taken. Dammit.

_Pansy?_ I might get raped.

_Granger?_ No, Weasley got to her first. I was sure he and Potter would be paired up. Weasley always did look and acted like the female out of the two.

_Zabini? _These were all lose-lose situations for me.

I sighed heavily and prayed that my sanity would still be in tact by the time class was over. Somehow, I knew I was going to regret this.

"Zabini," I said, gritting my teeth. "Would you like to be my partner?"

"Why, I thought you never ask!" She beamed.

"I would never. This is desperation talking."

"You know with that comment, I could be a bitch and let you work with Pansy."

"No, no, Zabini is the sweetest and nicest girl in the world!"

_Shit!_ I bit my tongue saying that.

"That's better." She said, grinning like the idiot she is.

"Now that everyone is paired up, I'll explain the details. Since you've learned about sexual intercourse, we will get started on consequences of unprotected sex." Daria said. "For guys, write what you believe will be your consequences and girls, you do the same. Share and discuss the consequences with your partner. When we meet again Monday, you'll share them with the rest of the class."

I took out a piece of parchment and my quill and inkpot. Consequences for unprotected sex for me? Let's see…

_1. If I ever happened to get raped by Pansy, I'll be young and stuck with a kid that looks like her—which is a horrible consequence._

_2. I would get diseases._

_3. If I'm not raped by Pansy… then having a kid._

There, I'm done.

"Zabini, what did you write?" I asked her, peeking at her parchment.

"Stop looking—I'm not done yet!" She snapped, covering up her paper.

"We're supposed to _share_."

"Oh fine." She grumbled and then read her paper. "Stuck with a baby, get diseases, and um…"

"Um what?"

"Never mind." She said quickly.

"Wait, let me see." I reached over and made a grab for her paper. Zabini shrieked and jumped out of her chair. Performing a quick spell, she erased her last sentence. Damn witch, I wanted to embarrass her!

The clock rung, signaling that class has ended. _Hallelujah._ I shoved all of my things inside my bag and shrunk it, placing it into my pocket. It's so _un-cool_ for Draco Malfoy to carry around a school bag. Only Ravenclaws and Granger do that.

"Draco and Hermione, I need to see you two for a moment." Daria said.

I silently cursed. Just when I thought I was done with her.

"Did you two get started on collecting the Potions ingredients yet?" She said.

I stopped short. _Oh shit!_ It had totally slipped my mind. _Oh well._

Although I do remembered well that Monday morning when Daria had first given us the list.

That Monday morning:

_I was at the process of running out of her classroom just as soon as the clock struck when she called me back. Reluctantly, I returned. The evident expression on my face showed I did not want to see her again until Wednesday. Or maybe never, for that matter._

"_Draco and Hermione, here is the list of the Potions ingredients that we need for this project." Daria handed us each a copy._

_I looked at the list._

_The title said, "Potions and Sex-Education (Professor Snape and Professor Malfoy)"_

_I shuddered, thinking how awful it would be if the two ever got together. This was beyond imagination. God forbid, honestly, what could be worst? The thought of them being together, getting married… having kids… Ugh, I feel sorry for their kids. They would have the most horrendous looking offspring—even uglier than Potter. And doing deeds that married couples do… I nearly shrieked out of pure disgust. My skin crawled at the thought of them doing anything other teaching. I shook my head, forcing the god-forbidden thoughts out of my head._

_But thank Merlin, they're not together… Or at least, I hope not._

_I looked down at the paper._

_Emberin Tree bark_

_Referia Plant (Best when leaves are dark green)_

_Amnio Sap from Utere Tree (Only during Full Moon)_

_These ingredients looked familiar to me and I half-knew what their properties were—although I wasn't sure. _

_Emberin Tree bark? That would be hard to get. Hmm… unless I buy them._

_Referia Plant? What the hell could we possibly do with the Referia Plant? Unless we were growing something…_

_Amnio Sap from Utere Tree? What could we be doing with these things?_

_Granger evidently thought the same thing because she was just as confused as I was._

"_Daria, what exactly are we doing?" Granger asked._

"_You haven't figured it out yet? I'm surprised." Daria said. "Well if you don't know, I'll tell you soon enough. I hate ruining surprises."_

_And I hate surprises. I stuffed the list into my pocket. I'll go get them when I feel like it—which might be never. Ha._

"Draco?"

Huh? I snapped back to reality.

"Have you been paying attention to what I was saying?" Daria said.

_What kind of question is that? When I have I ever?_

"Uhh… yes." I said, lying.

"So have you gotten the ingredients yet?" She asked again.

"Well, see…" I began, "I came down with this awful cold and I just couldn't get out of bed and I felt so sick it was terrible and–"

"Truthfully, Daria, we haven't." Granger said, interfering with my _well-planned_ and _well thought-out_ excuse.

I gave her a glare. _Bloody witch._

"We'll get started tonight. Definitely." The busy-haired witch said.

"What? _Tonight?_ But I have an appointment with this hot Ravenclaw—"

Granger stomped on my foot. I bit my lip to keep myself from screaming and nursed my injured foot. My glare should've sent her cowering with fear, but she merely disregarded me. _She'll pay. Dammit, just as soon as I get some ice for my foot first._

"Fine. _Tonight_." I gritted. _Fuckin' hell!_ And I was looking forward to snogging this Ravenclaw girl all day!

I knew Granger was going to ruin my social life the minute I saw her.

* * *

I devised a plan. A _brilliant_ plan, if I do say so myself. Actually, it was rather simple too.

Well here it is:

Get Granger to get all of the ingredients while I lay back.

_Isn't it genius? _Of course it is. This is what that witch gets for messing up my evening plans.

"Granger," I said, moaning as I walked like a half-drunk cripple to her room. "I feel really sick."

She looked at me queerly as she leaned on the doorway and then said, "Hmm… You _do_ look sick." She hesitated for a second. "But then again, you _always _do, so I guess that makes no difference."

I bit down on my tongue, forcing myself not to curse her out. How dare she say that I always look sick? Just because my skin is pale and is _beautiful_ like porcelain, there is no need for her to get jealous!

"Come on Malfoy, you're wasting time." Granger said, walking away from me. I limped after her.

"Granger, I am quite sick." I said. "Feel my forehead—wait, on second thought, I don't want you to touch me. You probably get me sicker with your germs."

She suddenly stopped walking and turned around to face me, hands on her hips—in the same fashion that she always does whenever I said something that offended her. But it's not like I cared… _right_?

"I swear, Malfoy. _Grow up_." She said and stomped away, leaving me still standing crookedly like a bloody idiot.

I sighed heavily. _There goes my brilliant plan._

Grabbing my cloak, I headed out of the common room and made my way out of the castle. There could have been so many things that I could be doing right now instead of wandering around in the damn Forbidden Forest… _at night and with Granger_! Snogging that hot Ravenclaw girl… annoying the hell out of Zabini… sleeping…snogging… torturing younger students… snogging… Merlin, the list goes on and on. I'm a very busy man!

I took a lantern by the door and traipsed across the grounds towards the forest. I did not see any signs of Granger. Damn, that she must'vebeen hauling her arse.

_Always quick to get action, isn't she?_ I chortled to myself. Ah yes, so many meanings.

As I approached the forest, the feeling of apprehensiveness begun to overwhelmed me. I particularly did not have any fond memories being here, recalling back my first year. The darkness of the forest, not to mention the foul, gruesome creatures that lurked about… this forest was just plain creepy. I won't admit that I'm scared shitless though.

I passed the boundary of the forest and took a sharp breath. Shadows seemed to dance randomly all around me, but as I looked at my surroundings, I saw nothing. Merlin, I got goosebumps.

With each step I took, twigs and dried leaves cracked under the pressure of my foot. A light breeze passed by, causing the leaves to stir—rustling like one of those damn horror stories. Where the hell was Granger? Believe itor not, her company would be quite comforting right about now. She's never around when I need her.

I took the paper out of my pocket and strained to look at the writing. Like the lantern was much help in the damn dark forest. Clipping the paper under my arm, I pulled out my wand and murmured, "Lumos." That was better.

First item. _Emberin Tree bark._

If I recalled correctly, Grange said it should be somewhere… west of here. And so, I headed west. The Emberin Tree bark was supposed to be very light colored, the outer covering hard and inside was supposed to be sort of spongy. A major distinction of it was the size of its leaves. They are humungous.

I scanned the area around me as I walked. _Where is it?_

The hairs on my head pricked. Something was wrong. It was like a natural instinct. I heard something moved around me. It sounded like a snap… then a crack… and crunching. I spun at all angles, trying to get a better view. I saw nothing, but I knew something was there.

My heartbeat quickened and I clenched the wand tighter. Hell, I'll blast whatever it is to oblivion and beyond. The snapping of twigs sounded like it was all around me. Was there more than one of them?

Suddenly, something stepped out from behind the trees—a shadow of some sort. Shouting a quick spell, I aimed my wand towards it. A light exploded. Did I hit it?

It moved again. I prepared to blast it.

"Hell Malfoy, are you trying to kill me?"

Wait a minute… I know that voice… It sounded annoying… It sounded like…

_Granger._

I narrowed my eyes. The figure stood up. I could recognize that figure anywhere. It is Granger.

"You almost killed me you bloody idiot!" Granger said furiously.

"I know. Shame that I didn't, huh?" I said, lowering my wand.

Granger mumbled something incoherently that sounded like "idiot… stupid… kill… choke… him."

"Look Granger," I said, noticing something. I pointed to the tree behind her. "I found the Emberin Tree without your help."

Haha. I was a bloody arse liar.

But Granger was not looking to where I was pointing. Angered, I said louder, "Bitch, do you hear me? I found the bloody tree!"

Still, she did not turned her head as she stared directly passed me. "I know I'm beautiful, so stop staring!"

She slowly shook her head as her mouth was wide opened. _How can she not agree that I am beautiful?_

Granger pointed to something behind me.

I turned around,

and screamed my bloody arse off.

* * *

**Author's Notes:** Junior year started, (Upperclassman!) so I'll be much busier. With sports, AP classes, homework, and all that crap, I won't be able to update regularly. I'll try whenever I have free time. This story will take a while, but I will finish it.

In the meantime, I'm running out of ideas because my computer lost all of my information and I can't remember anything, so feel free to offer suggestions. I know the plot overview, just minor stuff I need some ideas.

Every chapter won't be hilariously funny. Just so you know.


	10. Desserts Delivered

**Author's Note:** Thanks for the reviews. Much love to you.

Has anyone heard of the Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy? I was watching this episode where they made a parody of Harry Potter. Harry Potter was dubbed "Planter", Hermione as "Herfeiffefer" or something like that, and Draco as "Dorko". The school was "Toadswash". "Planter" was featured as a geek, "Herfeiffefer" was a voluptuous babe and "Dorko" was a hunk. "Herfeiffefer" and "Dorko" went together and "Planter" was trying to win "Herfeiffefer"'s heart. Damn, it was so stupid and hilarious.

* * *

**Chapter Ten**

**Desserts Delivered**

* * *

It has left me dumbfounded that I should find something as ridiculous as this terrifying, much less scarier than Voldemort himself. As a matter of fact, I personally believed Voldemort is all pansies and daisies compared to this. Why, such a disgrace of my Malfoy name. Then again, people would just have to understand that there are not many things in this world that can cause Draco Malfoy to scream like a little girl (as downright humiliating as it is to admit that horrible fact), so once I come in contact with one of my few fears, of course I would scream my bloody arse off. It is a natural reaction, one cannot blame me for acting like so. Why, if Pothead ever encountered his fear (finding out that Weasel has been cheating on him), then Pothead too, would scream like a little girl.

Now, besides screaming my arse off, if I could recall all of the situations which I find myself nearly shitting in my pants, this would be definitely considered as one of them. It is humiliating enough that my scream is higher than Daria when she drinks alcohol, but the fact that I nearly crapped in my pants in doing so was far worst. Thank the stars that no one knows that.

The hairs on my skin stood upright. My embarrassingly high shriek continued as I stared with eyes wide opened at the _thing_ in front of me. The thing was hideous, it was gruesome, it was freaky…._fuck_, it was downright terrifying. Never had I seen something so grossly devilish that I wanted to renounce my evil ways and be _redeemed_ for the sake of being saved from the _thing_.

Hell, it was a bloody _clown_ standing right in front of me.

I could almost feel my legs quivering. Merlin knows I'm scared of clowns. A particular memory flooded back into my mind.

I was a young lad at a tender age when my mind was not filled with evil thoughts and was bent on corrupting the lives of others. I was celebrating my fifth birthday with my family and the Malfoys' closest friends. Mother had gotten me this gigantic cake that I was anxiously waiting to dive in to. We had just completed the dinner portion of the party and it was due time for the cutting of the cake. It was ravishingly decorated, the colors of silver and green, of course (I have always loved those colors, even though I knew one day I would destined to be in Slytherin anyways). Ever since I was one year old, Mother and Father always had a surprise for me within the cake, usually it would be Purgy the Alien Penguin, but for some unknown wicked reason, they decided to change the tradition and get someone else. And yes, _what a horrible mistake it was._

Unbeknownst to me as I got ready to receive my traditional greeting from Purgy the Alien Penguin, a bloody clown jumped out of my cake and scared the living daylights out of my tiny body. My first glimpse of the clown was horrifying; it had the ugliest face (reminded me of Pansy a bit when she used tons of makeup) and the expression on the clown's face even further enhanced its grossly features. I did not know exactly what, but the clown just scared the hell out of me.

I later learned that the clown was a magical clown, although it was rather clumsy and while jumping out of the cake, the cake exploded. The party was ruined, so the thing attempted to liven up the mood. However, the clown's attempts were futile. Father, having sensed my uncomfortable mood, fired the clown and since it was so terrible, he made sure that the clown would never have another party to work for ever again. The look of pure hatred on the clown's face from Father's action chilled me to the bone. The clown left, but I felt its leering eyes on me, piercing right through me as if I was responsible for everything that happened to me. It was certainly not my fault it was terrible at its job!

When I went to bed later that night, the hairs on my neck pricked and I could have sworn I heard the clown's laughter resonating through the darkness. I told Mother and Father about it, but they simply disregarded it as a figment of my overactive imagination. All through the night as I lay under the covers, the image of the clown had not left my mind. I kept hearing him, hearing the clown's whispers in my ears, returning one day and vowing vengeance.

My nightmares of the clown did not end until three weeks later. The incident forever traumatized me. I have not seen the clown since, but in the back of mind, I knew he was probably still planning his revenge. Call me paranoid, but its Malfoy intuition.

Is it not a sad story? Yes, it is.

So now I stood face-to-face with the clown again. The same horrendous countenance, same ugly grin… How the clown got here and how it found me, I did not care at the moment. Any thoughts about using hexes, jinxes, or curses escaped my mind. My only worry was getting the hell away from it.

Bright lights flashed before my eyes and I thought this was the end for me. I turned on my heels and hauled my arse away, not bothering to look back. I did not know where I was going, but as long as I was away from it, I was fine. I pushed branches out of my way and dodged trees, practically running blindly into nowhere even though my eyes were wide open. I stopped shortly, thinking that I heard something behind me.

It did not sound like the clown was coming… it did not sound like the clown at all.

It sounded like…

Laughter.

I turned around slowly, wondering what the bloody hell was going on. Why would I hear laughter? Was I going out of my mind? It couldn't be.

All the fear I had was gone and I headed back. The laughter got louder as I got closer and they sounded awfully familiar. Where did I hear it before?

There were also voices. I quickened my pace, determined to get to the bottom of the situation. Suspicions filled me as I drew closer. The voices were recognizable now.

They sounded like…

Granger…

Potter…

Weasley…

And someone else… A boy I did not know.

I growled deeply, anger quickly consuming me. I balled my fist, frustration also overwhelming me. They played me. I couldn't believe it, they played me and I fell so deeply for their trick.

I stepped back into the clearing where they all stood. Their chortles quickly ended and they all stared at me. I looked at the other boy. He was holding a camera in his hands. The Creevey boy. _So that was where the flashes came from._ Rage twisted violently in me, but I forced myself to suppress it. I looked around for the clown, but only saw a chest in its place.

A fucking boggart.

That was how they knew my deepest fear, or rather, they didn't and they used a fucking boggart.

"You all think this is very funny, don't you?" I said spitefully.

"Actually, I find it hilarious." Potter said, grinning. "Who knew the infamous Draco Malfoy was scared shitless of clowns?" He looked at Weasley and the two ended up laughing their bloody arses off.

I whipped my head in Granger's direction who was smiling. "And I suppose you were in this little escapade, too?"

"No," She said, her lips forming a thin line. "But I will not report it. I'm tired of you Malfoy. I'm tired of you picking on me and my friends. It's time you get treated like who you treat others."

"I see," I said, scanning her face. "We'll see who gets the last laugh." I took out my wand and pointed it to Weasley's direction. "Crucio!"

Probably sensing my attack beforehand, Granger screamed, "Petrificus Totalus!"

I froze, feeling myself dropping my wand and falling to the ground. The mudblood paralyzed me.

"Mobilicorpus," I heard Granger say. I felt myself being levitated off the ground. Granger muttered something else and next thing I knew, I had blacked out.

* * *

My body was sore as hell by the time I gained consciousness again. I was in my room, how I got here, I did not know. Granger was sitting on her bed, looking at me with an impassive look on her face. Remnants of the previous night flashed back into my mind and I snarled at their trickery. The clown… camera flashing… Potter and Weasley laughing… If I did not feel like shit, I would have lunged forward and choked the bloody witch.

"Are you satisfied now?" I asked her.

"I can't really say. That little incident does not retaliate all the years of hell you gave us." She said.

"So I would be expecting more?"

"That depends on Harry and Ron."

"You set it all up? This—this fucking plan to humiliate me?"

"No, it was Harry and Ron's. I did not stop them nor did I help them in any way. It was pure luck that they managed to _hear_ me say that we were going to the Forbidden Forest last night. They did not forget about that poster, Malfoy."

"Fucking bastards," I said hatefully.

"Look who's talking." A faint smile crossed Granger's lips. "As of now, I presume that something else shall take its place."

"What?"

"The photos of you screaming your arse off are now plastered all over the school."

Color drained from my face, making me appear more pallid than usual. _Shit._

I knew I should've aimed the curse for the Creevey boy first and destroy his blasted camera. I swung my legs over the bed and painstakingly stood up.

"Where is Pothead and Weasel?" I demanded, thinking of all the possible ways that I could kill them.

"They're serving detention with McGonagall."

"For what?"

"For being in the Forbidden Forest without permission," She said. "Daria gave us permission, that's why we're not joining them." She then smiled. "They said detention is a small price to pay for the delight of humiliating the hell out of you."

"Granger, if I had the strength to use my hands, I would slap that bloody smile off your face."

Her smile only got bigger at my threat. "You are not going to run around the school and tear down the photos?"

"No, I assume that everyone has probably seen it, knowing this damn school. I shall not further my humiliation by showing my face. I'm going to stay in this room until the-boy-who-lived becomes the-boy-who-died."

"That's going to be a long while."

"My point exactly." I shuffled around for my shoes. "Why aren't you somewhere off—like in the library doing your homework or caressing a book or something?"

Granger frowned disapprovingly at my comment. "FYI Draco Malfoy, I do not caress books. I simply read them."

I snorted loudly. "If you were able to, I bet you would shove them far up there."

I was suddenly smacked with by a pillow.

"You really deserved what Harry and Ron did to you."

"I've already begun planning what I would do to them and it's going to be much worse." I said, smiling sinisterly. _Much worse._

* * *

My plan of isolating myself in my room did not particularly go well. After the first twenty minutes or so, I was bored out of my bloody mind and not to mention, _hungry_. Granger left me to go caressing—I mean, _reading_ her oh-so-wonderful books in the library—which left me no one to torture. Thus, I summoned all my dignity (which was only a mere fraction) and left the safe confinements of my room and into the Hogwarts corridors. For the first five minutes of wandering around, I did not encounter anyone and so far, I was safe from the humiliation of being ridiculed. However, as I turned around the corner, I ran right smack into the object of my degradation.

The portrait featured my mouth hanging wide open, nearly extending past the frame of the picture and I was staring with bulged out eyes at the clown ahead of me. The clown held a large, sinister grin that would had sent Voldemort screaming for his Mummy. I say, I have never seen an uglier picture of me and that's saying a lot because I'm practically the most devilishly handsome man around. Now if I were not so immensely infuriated, I would have given the Creevey boy his props for capturing that mere second of a horrible moment when I do not look as good as I should. (Simply because I always look good.) But alas, upon seeing that portrait, all reasonable thoughts soared out of my mind and I was only bent on killing Pothead and Weasel with a bit of torture for Granger and the Creevey boy.

With relentless anger, I ripped the picture from the wall and blasted the thing into ashes. If only I could do the same to Potter and Weasley, I would be satisfied. Potter, the wonderful boy-who-lived is the biggest agitation in the arse along with his poor-as-dirt boyfriend, Weasley. They make my blood boil.

I stormed through the hallways, looking to shed some innocent blood. I stopped shortly, suddenly hearing faint giggles in the distance. I turned my head from side to side, opened my ears and wondered where the sound was coming from. Like every sources of mysterious sounds, it came from a classroom and not just any classroom… I shuddered violently. _Daria's classroom_. I feared going near that wretched place, but my curiosity was overwhelming me. Why would that bloody woman be giggling? _Such a hideous giggle_.

I tiptoed to the door of the classroom and gently pressed my ears to the wooden surface.

Fucking hell, there wasn't anything interesting that I could hear above that blasted woman's crow-like laughter.

"Oh Severus, you're such a teaser! Ohh—that tickles!"

Bloody hell, I spoke too soon.

"Severus, I love it when you use chocolate cherries with that tongue of yours!"

I felt like I just had a seizer as I backed frantically away from the door. This was far too much for me to handle. I have learned my lesson about listening on doors. Potter and Weasley nearly sent my innocence sailing out the window by conjuring up explicit images of them… _ugh_… in my head. I think my head cannot handle Daria and… _oh Severus_! The thought of them makes me cringe to the point of getting a spasm.

I ran away from the classroom as fast as I could. Of course the signs were obvious. The two of them working together to give us hell with that damn project—that's thrill for them. Honestly, what mad man would want to be with Daria? Even as downright disgusting as it is, Snape does seem like the ideal choice. After all, who would want his greasy arse—Daria!

Not only that, the crazy woman ruined chocolate cherries for me. Oh how I would never be able to look at one of my favorite desserts the same way again. I could almost feel myself crying inside. _No more chocolate cherries for me._

However, that was the least of my concerns when I once again located another horrible picture of me screaming at the despicable clown. I ripped it from the wall and wished that Potter or Weasley was here so I could shove the picture down their throats. Better yet, I'll save the picture and shove it down their throats later.

What a terrible morning this has become.

My aunt and my teacher are together…

What could be worse?

The whole school ridiculing me about the picture?

I dread to know the other options.

* * *

After finding out that Snape and Daria are together, I didn't have much of appetite. After all, who could? I avoided the Great Hall not only because seeing Snape and Daria brought disturbing images to my poor, innocent mind, but I really was not too keen on the idea of Potter and Weasley ridiculing me in front of the school population. It was now dinnertime and I have successfully avoided any contact with other human beings, but I knew I couldn't keep up the act forever. I was bound to be the laughingstock sooner or later. I rather have it later.

I summoned one of the house elves to bring me my dinner and it came promptly. They're such useful creatures, I can't think of a damn reason why Granger wanted to give them freedom in the first place. Besides, they love serving people. Speaking of Granger, I wondered what she might be doing right now. Probably with Potter and Weasley? Jeez, they're never going to have a threesome with her. She should just stop trying, but it's not like I cared what she does with her time. The bloody witch can go jump off the Astronomy Tower.

Looking at the platters of food in front of me, I frowned.

"Where's my dessert?" I asked; looking at the ugly elf and thinking if Snape and Daria were ever to reproduce, it would result in something looking like that.

"Mister Malfoy wishes the tonight special?"

"What is it?"

"Cherries with chocolate. Mister Malfoy love chocolate cherries!"

I coughed, the piece of chicken going down the wrong way. I cleared my thought and scowled at the elf. "Don't ever say chocolate cherries!"

The elf whimpered. "But Mister Malfoy, that special of tonight."

"I don't care." I said and gulped down a glass of pumpkin juice. "Get me some cookies."

The elf scurried off. I still couldn't fathom the idea of Daria and Snape together. _My aunt_ and _my teacher_. Merlin, imagine if she brings him over for Thanksgiving… Christmas… summer vacation… Constantly seeing Snape… I almost cried. _Almost._

Then a thought struck me. What if I have to call him Uncle Severus? _Bloody hell!_

I jumped up from my seat. No! I have to stop this relationship!

I'll be fucking damned if Snape becomes my uncle.

* * *

That night, when the rest of Hogwarts was in slumber, I crept quietly down the dark hallway towards Daria's dormitory. I clutched the struggling bundle closely. Scanning the area around the door to make sure no one was there; I pulled a note and attached it to the bundle. I left it at Daria's door. _Wait until Daria gets this surprise._

_My dear sweet Daria,_

_I love cats and decided to get you one too. A token of my love to you._

_Severus Snape._

I grinned evilly and dashed away, disappearing into the darkness.

I woke up Sunday morning feeling ever rejuvenated. I even went to breakfast, not caring about the sniggers that came my way. I was in such a delightful mood that I did not bother to scowl at the faces laughing at me. Funny they stopped laughing and looked at me in horror as they realized that I was smiling. They were probably expecting me to give them a deadly glare that would result in them laughing even more. However, me smiling caught them off guard and left them speechless. It was a wonderful morning, indeed.

I sat down at my usual spot at the Slytherin table.

"What are you so happy about?" Zabini asked, eyeing me queerly. "What poor little kid did you torture? Come on, out with it!"

"Zabini, why such low opinions of me?" I said, mocking hurt. "Am I not entitled to happiness?"

Zabini snorted, almost choking. "Draco Malfoy? Happiness? Hell no."

I dismissed her with a pompous wave of my hand. The entrance to the Great Hall caught my eyes. Daria was standing there, clutching a golden cat in her arms. She strolled down the aisle, beaming happily.

Zabini looked at her oddly. "I thought your aunt hates cats. Doesn't she have a cat phobia or something?"

The goblet cracked under the pressure of my hands as I squeezed it tightly, channeling my anger. Daria ruined my plan! She hated cats! Usually, she would haul to the other side of the country if a cat so much is in the same room as her. She would not even come near anyone who has cats for pets. But why the hell is she clutching that damn thing? Something is wrong with her and I'm going to find out what it is.

I stood up from my seat and calmly walked up to Daria. Innocently, I looked at the cat in her arms and asked, "Aunt Daria, aren't you scared of cats? Why are you holding it so closely?"

"Well," She began, grinning. _Gods, she and the cat looks just alike._ I thought. _The resemblance is uncanny._

"Severus has brought me a cat. I found it in front of my door this morning. First, it scared the daylights out of me but once I saw it was from Severus, I calmed down. I have been thinking, and now I found it absurd to be scared of such adorable little creatures. Me and Sevvy here have got to know each other. Whatever happened in the past that started my phobia is now gone. I faced my fears." She added with a smile.

_Sevvy?_ What the fuck?

I could feel my veins in my forehead twitching. "Well, that's wonderful. _Really wonderful_." I said pleasantly and walked away. _I hope Sevvy gives you hell of a lot of trouble._

I walked no more than a couple of steps when I suddenly felt something wet and sharp sinking into my arse. The pain jolted throughout my arse and I quickly turned around, knocking off whatever bit me. It was the bloody cat. It screeched at me and jumped back into Daria's arms. Shit, it hurt like hell. I could feel my blood seeping out.

The students and teachers stared in a stunned silence.

"Bad Sevvy, bad!" Daria said, scowling at the damn cat. "You do not bite Draco in his buttocks!"

Slowly, I heard it, commencing from the Gryffindor and then spreading throughout the Great Hall like an infectious disease. The sound of laughter—mocking, humiliating laughter. I could hear them all, knowing the raucous laughter of Potter and Weasley, loud above all of the others.

My plan literally backfired and bit me in the arse. _Fucking wonderful_.

* * *

**Author's Note:** I promise next chapter would be more fruitful, eventful, informational and hopefully, more humorous… Basically, it would be better than this once. I just had to get this out to write the other one.

Rate/review please. Constructive criticisms would make the story better.


	11. Domestic Dilemmas

**Author's Note**: Thanks for the reviews. This might be the only update in a long while… not that I was much consistent in the first place. Haha—my bad.

I read some of my chapters over and I realized my editing was atrocious. Bleh.

_P.S. I swear some people are illiterate. This must be my third time writing it. Yes, I now know Blaise is a damn boy. Stop reprimanding me about it. If people can't handle the sex change, then don't read! At least I'm not making Blaise a transvestite. (Which I formerly planned to, but abandoned the idea.)_

* * *

**Chapter Eleven**

**Domestic Dilemmas**

* * *

Unfortunately, I have the unbreakable habit of instantly jumping to conclusions even when I did not have the entire story. Daria and Snape? Gods, has insanity overwhelmed them?

I was irritable the entire day. I sat in the armchair of the Slytherin common room, staring into the ashes in the fireplace. It was not cold enough to light a fire yet. The students all avoided any contact with my foul mood. All except one, that is.

"What's biting your arse?" Zabini asked me, grinning. "No pun intended, of course."

"Shut up Zabini." I said.

"I guess a certain little kitty managed to crawl itself up there, huh?"

"Zabini, I swear… one more comment about that damn cat…" I said threateningly.

"Fine, fine! Old sourpuss!"

Seeing my deadly look, Zabini rushed out of the common room before I had the chance to hex the living daylights out of her. Once she disappeared, I returned to my thoughts. I was in quite a dilemma and I pondered on how I could approach the problem. If Daria was able to overcome her cat phobia for Snape, Merlin knows what other things she could do. I sighed heavily, raking my fingers through my hair. _How was I going to handle this?_

Maybe I should sleep on it. I didn't get much of it last night since I was kept wide awake by the irksome thought that Snape might be my uncle. Anyone would stay awake fearing the thought that one's Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner would be plagued by a certain greasy-haired git. I shuddered. I couldn't get the thought of chocolate cherries out of my head. Now every time I looked at Snape, my mind would unwillingly imagine Snape rolling chocolate cherries on his tongue. Yes, a shudder of the horror to the point of getting a spasm because it was just so damn creepy.

I traipsed out of the Slytherin common room and made way back to my own room. Along the way, I still saw some photos of me. A hidden anger suddenly unfolded and my mind darted back to plotting revenge, causing humiliation and deep agony for Potter, Weasley, that Creevey boy and… I pondered on it for a minute or two. Maybe living with Granger all this time caused me to… somewhat taken a slight… a minor… tolerance for her? I really didn't want to cause as much hurt to her as I did to the three Gryffindor boys.

Whatever I planned to do, it had escaped my mind as I got into my room, fell onto my bed, and slept until Monday morning.

When I woke up, the clock was striking eight o' clock. I sat up slowly, still fogged by sleep, and wondered what the hell I was supposed to be doing today. Then I bolted upright, my eyes flashing open. _I have classes today! Ah, fuck._

_Wait,_ I thought. _Today is Monday… that means… Daria!_

I groaned, falling back into the warm comforts of my sheets. I couldn't careless about going to her class on time. Idly, I got ready and walked to her class at a leisure pace. Somehow, as if the devilish witch herself was controlling time, I was only ten minutes late when I expected to have wasted at least half an hour. It was a bloody curse.

I walked into the classroom; all eyes were drawn upon my glorious being.

"Well, Draco." Daria said, smiling. "Glad you can make it. Better late than never, they say."

I walked to the back of the classroom and grudgingly took the only seat left in the room. _Next to Zabini_. I guess that was my punishment for being late—sitting next to a psycho.

"You missed my _spectacular_ performance." Zabini said.

"Did it involve you getting flogged or hexed?"

Zabini pouted her lips. "No. How can you be so cruel? I was delivering our list for the consequences on unprotected sex."

"Then it wasn't worth seeing."

Zabini rolled her eyes and turned away from me.

My eyes fell onto the big bulge on Daria's desk. A big, golden piece of blubber. _Sevvy._

She really did overcome her phobia of cats and has brought its presence to join us. _How wonderful_.

My eyes narrowed. The cat was a reincarnation of evil. The fat-turd sat on Daria's desk, eyes gleaming with mischief. As if it could feel my eyes upon it, the cat turned towards me. Laying its blue eyes on me, the cat hissed, drawing its claws upward as if it could stick up its middle finger… or claw.

I knew the cat was evil from the very moment I found it astray outside the Hogwarts grounds last Saturday night. The uncanny resemblance to Daria was the foremost characteristic that marked it as Devil's spawn. It sat there, mocking me… I could see past its façade. If anything, I bet it would love to take another bite of my scrumptious arse. I hissed at the cat and stuck my tongue out.

"Be careful Malfoy, the cat will get your tongue." Zabini said warily.

"Not if it doesn't get off its fat arse first." I said. I was surprised I was able to carry it to Daria's room without much exhaustion. Now, I wanted nothing more than to take my wand and turn Sevvy into cat barbeque. The cat seemed to grin at me, but I couldn't really tell under the layers of fur covering its mouth. Maybe I was getting paranoid. I sneered at the cat, daring it to make any action.

Sevvy screeched, turned around on the desk and bared its big, fat arse in the air, wiggling it mockingly. Angry smoke billowed out of my nose. The cat moved its arse in a circular motion, knowing that it irritated me and that I couldn't do anything to it. I clutched my wand tightly, a curse on the verge of spilling out of my lips.

"Malfoy, _don't you dare_." There was a sharp edge in Zabini's tone, as if she predicted my action.

"Look at what it is doing!" I pointed to the cat, shaking its arse like a damn salt shaker. Merlin, the cat was probably an ex-pole dancer cat before I found it.

"Stop bothering him and he won't bother you."

I gritted my teeth and suppressed my anger. My eyes moved away from Sevvy and onto Daria, hoping that she could offer me some sort of comical distraction.

"Now that I have a pretty good idea of what knowledge you have attained about unprotected sex, I shall broaden your mind and fix any misgivings you might have." Daria said, picking up her wand from her desk, not noticing that her damn Sevvy was still giggling its arse. "Muggle research shows that one can contract deadly diseases with unprotected sex. Now who ever said Muggles were useless? That is entirely untrue." Daria said, waving her wand in swirl-like movements. "I will proceed to show you a normal-looking human being."

She then conjured up a holographic image of a woman standing in front of us. "You cannot tell if she has any illnesses or not, so you're always putting yourself at risk. HIV or _Human Immunodeficiency Virus,_ is quite an epidemic in the Muggle world. Sadly, there is no cure as of yet."

Daria waved her wand to the board and the letters of the disease appeared on the dark surface. Students scrambled to write their notes down. I, however did not bother. I'm never going to sleep with a Muggle, so I really couldn't careless.

Daria's eyes narrowed and the usual bubbly, idiot-like demeanor of her disappeared. "Don't think simply because you are wizards and witches make you an exception to this disease. It shall prey on you once contaminated, not caring whether you are a pure-blooded wizard or a Muggle."

There was a thick silence in the air. Daria continued, "Symptoms won't be evitable." She pointed to the holographic woman with her wand. "This woman carries HIV, but can you tell? Unless they have a printed sign across their forehead, then absolutely not." She stilled us with her stern gaze. Somehow, I couldn't see my old aunt Daria in this new foreign woman.

"The more apparent ones, however…" said Daria, waving her wand. "Shall have some unpleasant and unsightly results like this." Suddenly, revolting blisters begun to appear on the woman's lips. Her face began to look sickening.

My lips curled in disgust. "Gods, that looks like Pansy in the morning." I said, somewhat a bit too loud.

The class erupted into laughter while Pansy shot me a deadly glare.

Daria did not say anything, which surprised me. She merely looked at me with a fixed gaze. Where was the fun in interrupting her class when she did not retaliate? Her silence was worst. Merlin, was Snape changing her? Even though I wouldn't admit it, I rather have the old retarded Daria than this serious _Snape-like_ thing.

Daria turned away and continued to conjure up more holographic images of people infected with various diseases associated with sex. "You are young. You might not understand the seriousness of this. Stripped of our magic, we are like Muggles. But even with our magic, we are still powerless against these viruses. I daresay I fear HIV more than you-know-who."

Some of the students gasped. _More fearful than you-know-who? _Indeed that would be terrifying.

I snorted, laughing silently to myself. _If you ever slept with Snape, then you should be. _Suddenly, that thought didn't appear to be so amusing anymore once an image popped into my head. I quickly shook it away, berating myself to never think such horrible things ever again.

The holographic image of the _Pansy-resembling_ woman disappeared. I sank back into my chair and my eyes flickered on Sevvy who had stopped his pole-dancing movements. _Seeing a fat cat shake his arse…_ _what a way to start my morning._ Sevvy was grooming himself, gathering a mass of fur ball in his mouth as he licked himself clean. Once again, as if the cat had some supernatural powers, he looked up at me and bared his fangs. He ran his pointy tongue along the sides of his teeth. Gods, I feared for my arse. It still hurt a little every time I sat down.

I ignored it, knowing very well that if the bastard cat started to shake its arse again, I would have hexed it.

"All right, everyone pair up! Opposite genders! Draco and Hermione, I want you two together." Daria said, clapping her hands.

Granger and I both opened our mouths at the same time to protest. "Wha—?"

However, Daria halted us with her hand. This woman was deliberately making my life hell.

"While having a sex education class, we will also be doing a little side project. Draco and Hermione were kind enough to go get our ingredients from the Forbidden Forest." Daria said. "Wednesday, you will all go to the Potions classroom where Professor Snape will instruct you on how to brew a potion, so please bring your caldrons."

Curious glances were shot around the classroom.

"…_a potion? Professor Snape?"_

"…_what the hell?"_

Granger reluctantly came to sit at my table. Usually, she would be spewing curses for working with me, but this time, I knew she was probably used to being cursed by Daria. The imp of a witch with bushy brown hair looked at me in silence.

"Granger, I'm used to being stared at because I am so damn gorgeous, but you're creeping me out." I said, edging away from the table.

"No, Malfoy." said Granger. "I'm just imagining myself drilling two big holes in your head to release all of that pompous air."

"Say, has the cat bit you in the arse too? Is that why you're acting more of a bitch than usual?"

"I don't know if I should tell you, but I guess anyway since I'll be working with you for quite a long while."

My eyes were hued with suspicion. "What are you going on about Granger? Tell me!"

Granger sighed, leaned in closer, and said, "I did a bit of research on the potion ingredients that we were supposed to get. It was so obvious too! I mean I was ashamed of myself for not getting it when we first received the list."

"What? What?"

"The properties of the ingredients were practically glaring in my face. Professor Malfoy hinted it so much as to what our project was. I couldn't believe I was so slow." Merlin, she rambled on and on.

"Granger, tell me!" I grabbed her and shook her. "Tell me, dammit!"

"Malfoy, get off me!" She pushed me off.

"Fine, but tell me!"

"You know what? If you don't ask nicely, I'm not telling you anything." She crossed her arms stubbornly.

I let out a big puff. This witch was beyond aggravating right now.

"Granger, would you fucking tell me?"

"I said _nicely_." She hissed.

"What seems to be the problem here?" Daria appeared out of nowhere and loomed over me, her face a foot away from mine. Suddenly, a faint smell wafted to my nose. I knew I smelled it before, but I couldn't exactly place where. My mind scanned for the remembrance of that smell, but I couldn't fathom it. A twinkle of a light reflected off something and bounced into my eye. I cringed. Unknowingly, my eyes fell to Daria's lips and my mind clicked.

Only one word escaped my lips. "Shiny…"

I remembered! I didn't know how I could have missed it before. Snape's shiny lips! That was when I first smelled it… _strawberries_. If the lip gloss on Daria's lips smelled like strawberries and Snape had lip gloss on his lips…Daria and Snape are indirectly together… then either Snape applied Daria's lip gloss on his lips or he and Daria were… I moved away in fear, almost collapsing off my chair.

Daria looked at me oddly. "Are you all right Draco? You seem a little pale."

"He's always pale." Granger remarked. "It's nothing new."

I sneered at her.

"I meant he's paler than usual." Daria's features softened. "Anything wrong Draco-Wa—?" She touched my forehead, but I quickly slapped her hand away.

"I'm fine!" _Gods, this woman was so close…_ I thought she had forgotten that ridiculous name!

Just then, the clock struck and students begun to file into the hallways.

"Oh look, it's time to go." Daria moved away from me and looked at the clock. "Remember class, bring your caldrons!"

I turned back to Granger, remembering that she was keeping valuable information from me. I ran after her, but the hordes of students were impossible to get by. Next thing I knew, the witch disappeared. Damn, that means I would have to wait until lunch to pry her mouth open. With renewed determination, I made way to my History of Magic class and proceeded to my one hour nap time. Gods, even Draco Malfoy needs his sleep.

* * *

A little girl about the age of thirteen stared at me with her wide dark blue eyes. Her black hair was flat on her head, as if someone had used oil or grease to pat it down. I looked at her curiously, wondering where the hell she came from.

"Where did you come from?" I asked her, thinking that the girl looked vaguely familiar.

"America," came her crisp reply. "My parents are from London, but I was born in America."

"Hmm." So that's why she sounded so funny. I started to walk away from her and when I did, I noticed that she was following me. I turned away and said snappishly, "Why are you following me?"

She did not reply, but kept on walking towards me. Finally, she said, "Won't you show me around? I'm new to Hogwarts."

"So you transferred from America?" I asked her, although I was not really interested in her answer.

She nodded.

"What's your name?"

"Bertise Udysessa Tiana Tyler."

"That's just your first name?"

She nodded again.

What a coincidence that the acronym of it is B.U.T.T. I fear this child shall have no social life.

"You have any special powers?" I said.

"I have many," said she, "I can talk to squirrels." She gave a very firm nod of her head, indicating her seriousness. "They tell me great things." She then began to make little squeaking noises. Squeak. Squeak. Squeak.

"I see." I wondered if she was related to Potter.

"And I can make my hair oily on freewill."

"Uh huh…"

"I also have a very mysterious past that I shall soon unveil to you…"

"Uh huh…" I picked up my pace, trying to get away from the crazy beast.

"…maybe Mr. Potter and I can have a deeply dramatic, soulful conversation when we can understand each other and maybe fall instantly in love. I rather fancy him much…"

She couldn't be related to Potter… unless… _incest_!

"Who are your parents?" _Who can produce such a weird child?_

"Daria and Severus Snape." She declared happily. "I'm your cousin, Draco."

_Fuck._

B.U.T.T.S.!

My eyes fluttered opened and I woke up in shock, nearly falling over in my chair. I heard snickers around the room. Recovering from my shock, I looked around. Faces from Ravenclaws and Slytherins were looking at me amusedly.

"Thank heavens Sleeping Beauty has finally woken up." The ghost professor said and continued on with his lesson.

I groaned and hit my head on the table. I was in trouble. What if Daria and Snape soon have an offspring? I banged my head a couple more times on the surface. Merlin, blast me.

* * *

I swear I must be going crazy. All these visions of Daria and Snape have left me terrified. Especially the last one, about their daughter B.U.T.T.S. has left me deeply disturbed. Rationality tells me I should be happy for my aunt… after all, spending many years alone (especially for one as old as her) can cause quite damage to one's mentality and having someone would help relieve her frustration, but for some reason, I could not see her with Snape. It is wrong in many ways and I'm constantly being plagued by these visions and nightmares. I do not intentionally conjure up these images, what sane person would? But then again, I fear for my sanity. 

What am I to do?

I stared at the gob of potatoes in front of me, unable to muster up any appetite. The Great Hall was filling with students, all eager to dig into their lunch. Besides me, Crabbe and Goyle were stuffing their faces as if the food was going to run away. Zabini sat in front of me, a goblet held daintily in her hand and she looked at me with a peculiar smile.

"I say, what's the look on your face?" I said, looking at Zabini oddly.

"Nothing, I'm just wallowing in my accomplishment, 'tis all." She said. "A rather delightful accomplishment if I do say so myself." She quickly cast a glance over to the teachers' table, right where Daria and Snape were sitting next to each other.

Snape was busying himself with the food and acted like he and Daria were nothing more than colleagues. I supposed he is trying to keep up his image. Can't have the cold, hard Potions Professor acting like a lovesick puppy, can he? No, of course not, it would be strangely be much out-of-character of him.

"And what is this 'accomplishment' of yours?" I asked her. "Does it have to do with splitting Daria and Snape up?" I had a hint of hope in my voice.

Zabini shook her head. "No, dear. I'm sorry to disappoint you."

"Well do tell. I'm quite intrigued." I crossed my arms smugly.

Zabini did not say anything. She took a small sip from her goblet and set it down. A couple of seconds elapsed and I patiently waited for her to start.

"Did I fail to mention I am playing Cupid this year?" She said at last.

My eyes narrowed slightly. "Yes, you have."

"Oh my, I did?"

I detected the false surprise in her tone, yet I said nothing of it.

"Of course it was through my _ingenious_ scheme that Daria managed to hook Snape within her grasps." She continued. "The way I see it, it's always those people who you believe will never end up together and they may appear like the oddest couple, but really, it works."

I leaned onto the table. "Pray tell, how did you manage to hook Daria and Snape together?"

"It's quite simple. First—" She suddenly halted, eyeing me with suspicion. "Hold on, why should I tell you?"

"For Merlin's sake, Zabini! I'm not going to take your idea and play Cupid!"

"Hmm…" Zabini looked at me carefully.

"I promised I won't! You can keep your love bows and arrows."

"Fine. You never knew Daria was quite interested in Potions."

"Oh she does?" I played with the thought. _Daria liked Potions? Interesting…_

"If you only gave a sliver of a chance to Daria, you would know interesting things about her. So I introduced her to Snape and he was delighted to find someone his age as interested in Potions as him. I don't know about the Dark Arts, but Potions brought them together."

"Which results in them doing a class together…" I said, remembering about Granger as she walked towards the Gryffindor table.

I turned back to Zabini. "Thank you Zabini for telling me such a pleasant story. I will take your advice and give my dear aunt Daria a chance." I stood up and begun to walk away, noticing Zabini's shocked expression from the corner of my eyes.

_Malfoy saying thank you? Oh Merlin… what sickly ideas has she given him_? Zabini knew something was up.

I headed towards Granger who was animatedly talking to Potter and Weasley.

"Granger," I drawled.

The Gryffindors around me stopped midst of their conversations and turned their attentions on me, probably wondering what trouble I might cause.

"Go back to your business." I said, sneering at them. "Granger, we need to talk."

"About what? You can say it in front of my friends."

I rolled my eyes. These bloody Gryffindors. "The adjoined class project."

"Oh that. What about it?"

"I want to know what Potion we're brewing."

Granger looked at Daria for a fleeting moment before standing up and dragging me with her outside the Great Hall.

"Granger, where are we going? I'm too innocent to get raped."

"Just for that, never mind!" Granger let go of me and turned back to the Great Hall.

"Okay, okay! Just tell me."

Granger folded her arms, tapping her foot impatiently. "Well?"

"Well what?"

"Say the magic word."

"What magic word?" I asked dumbly.

"Please."

"Bloody hell woman! Are you mad?" I exclaimed.

"I guess you'll have to wait for the surprise then."

I grumbled. Risk my dignity to say _please_ to this bloody mudblood for the sake of curing my curiosity? That bitch drives a hard bargain.

"Please." I muttered.

"I can't hear you."

"Please." I said a little louder.

"What?"

"PLEASE! ARE YOU FUCKING DEAF!"

"No," Granger said, smiling. "I just wanted to hear you say that again."

"You're a cruel person, Granger. Cruel."

Granger gave a wide grin. "Yes, I know. It's a Genetics Reproduction Potion."

"What?"

"It seems like you can grow living things with that Potion, although they'll die off within a few weeks. What it has to do with our class, I have no idea."

Genetics Reproduction Potion?

"And you say we can grow living things?" I asked her.

"Well, you would need a sample of the actual living thing and you place it within the potion. The potion causes that sample to multiply, or rather, reproduce and it will eventually have some sort of replications of the original thing."

"Granger, you know we're paired with opposite genders to make this potion…" I said.

Slowly, it dawned on her and it begun to make some sense to me.

Granger's eyes widened and she stood there, unmoved. She was in a state of shock.

"Oh bloody hell. Daria's gone off her knockers." I gasped.

Granger gave a nervous laugh as she recovered from her shock. "W-well, it certainly fits into the topic of discussion, doesn't it? _Consequences of unprotected sex_."

I prayed to the gods. _Please don't make me hate sex forever._

**

* * *

**

Author's Note: Yes, excuse the horrible editing. I'm somewhat _editing_ illiterate.

TBC


	12. Distressed Damsels

**Author's Note:** I know I haven't updated in months and you're all probably angry at me, but what can I say? I didn't even have time to do my summer homework this summer.

Yes, a little plot is simmering. Not _boiling_… but _simmering_. I know the baby and the Sex-Ed thing has been done before and has grown quite trite, but perhaps my little twisted mind can put a new spin on it.

Chapter Twelve

**Distressed Damsels**

****

The hormone-raging, sexually addicted part of my mind told me Granger has a nice arse. I looked again. Indeed she does. I grinned. Granger wasn't wearing her school robe—the ghastly thing shielded every curve and made her look like a walking tent. But tonight, as I sat in one of Dumbledore's chairs watching Granger march back and forth across the office, I couldn't help but notice that Granger has a cute little sway in her hips when she walked. Sure enough she was a mudblood, but mudblood or not, bushy-haired Granger has an appealing derriere if I do say so myself.

I sunk lower into the comfortable armchair, resting my eyes. My mind flashed back to the Wednesday when we were in Snape's class. It was the first class for our joint class project. That was when Daria passed out the list with all of the pairs for the project. It wasn't a big shock to know that I was stuck with Granger. The Greater Being was punishing me for my sins and I had to be stuck with Granger. The only other pairs I knew and were even curious about were:

Potter and Zabini.

Parkinson and Weasley.

I had laughed when I saw the looks on their faces knowing they were stuck with their worse enemies. Now they will all feel my pain! Ha! After some minutes of outrageous protests that there would be dead bodies the next morning from the students along with an evil glare and a threat from Snape that whoever opposed the pairings would be subjected to a horrible display of flogging, the class calmed down enough to move on.

_Snape looked down on the students; his face seemed like it was set in a permanent sneer. For a moment, I tossed aside the notion that I should not be thinking about this since it goes against my masculinity and my standards, but I just had to wonder—what in Merlin's name did Daria see in Snape? I did not have to like males to know the fact that Snape is one weird-looking prick. Snape could oil all the door hinges in the castle with that greasy head of his and still have some left to spare. I wondered what must have gone through my head during my first couple of years of Hogwarts that made me admired and looked up to this git. I must have been extremely naïve or unexceptionally stupid to believe my Father's orders that Snape was the only decent professor around. Since Father had managed to land himself a nice, cozy spot in Azkaban, I really saw what goes on around me._

_I have never said that I was joining in to become one of Voldemort's minions, although the majority of the population around me expects me to. However, I hope people shall never make the assumption that I would be clad in all white and fight along side Potter. How despicable._

_Nevertheless, I shall wave my wand and mutter incantations to whoever steps in my way when the time of the war comes. For now, my only war is between my ego, Daria, Snape, and the Brass Trio._

_If only I had a delete spell for the things in my life. That way, I could easily get rid of the things… of the people I do not wish to see. If only life was that simple, I would be a very happy man. _

"_Now this is a very difficult potion to brew; that is why it counts for twenty-five percent of your Potions grade and the result afterwards will be forty percent of your Sex-Education class." Snape said. "So you must do this carefully or your artificial child will look rather…" He paused, as if he was trying to find the correct word. "…unpleasant." He said at last._

_One of the Slytherins, Lucas Lanners shot in his hand into the air._

"_Yes, Mr. Lanners?"_

"_So in real life, are you telling us if we want our baby to look right, we need to have sex correctly?"_

_Snape frowned and looked at Lanners disapprovingly. The class had already erupted into laughter._

"_What?" Lanners said, looking around. "I'm serious!" Somehow, that only made the class laughed harder. There was not one serious bone in Lanners's body._

"_Maybe you should grow one before you try to do it, Mr. Lanners. The little Lucas Lanners juniors need something to travel through first." Snape said coolly._

_It took a while for Snape's statement to register in Lanners's mind, but I already knew and sniggered. By the time Lanners fathomed what Snape said, the Potions Professor had moved on and it was too late for the boy to retaliate. _

Then all we did was simply cut some ingredients and left them out to dry. Snape told us we wouldn't be able to actually work on the potion until a month or so later because the tree bark had to be dried to the desired state and that process took ages.

I yawned as my mind came back to the present. McGonagall called me and Granger to Dumbledore's office approximately twenty minutes ago. Then she left, saying that Dumbledore would be here shortly. Now, Granger was irritated and was pacing around the office. Usually, she had more patience than I did.

I looked at her through half closed eyes. "Calm down Granger. I can practically see your foot imprints on the floor."

"I'm worried!" She said.

It must be about her grades. I thought. Only getting a few points less than perfect would make Granger get all twitchy and nervous. Then again, there were other possibilities why she might be edgy. Maybe Potter and Weasley asked her for a threesome and she realized that she has absolutely no experience in this _particular field_ of sex. I always knew the three damn Gryffindor dorks were called the Golden Trio for a reason. A rather _sickening_… _disgusting_ reason… one that would corrupt my innocence if I ever saw it.

I looked at her and said casually, "Worried that you won't get laid? Well you have to get use to that fact Granger. Honestly, look at yourself woman—"

"No, you bloody idiot!" She yelled at me.

"Then what bit your arse? Not Daria's damn cat, I hope…" I tired to imagine the fat piece of cat blubber called Sevvy's biting Granger's arse and the image made me snigger with glee.

Granger opened her mouth to reply, but just then, Dumbledore made his grand entrance. _About bloody time, damn old wanker._

"I hope I didn't keep you waiting long." He said, settling down into his chair. Boy, did he look flushed.

_Oh no, just twenty-five minutes old coot._ I wondered if he was trying to lure some of the younger girls into a dark corridor. Looks can be deceiving. Don't think just because the coot is old, that does not necessarily he would not try to take advantage of one's innocence.

"Well," He began, his eyes twinkling and a warming smile on his lips. I shuddered. Only Potter would find this expression comforting. "I just want to tell you how remarkably proud I am of you both. You have lived with each other for over three weeks and there have not been any broken limbs or horrible curses yet."

"Trust me Professor; I came extremely close many times." Granger said.

"You're not the only one." I said, casting a quick glance at her. "Living with the dirty witch was terrible."

"What! I'm not dirty!"

"Heh."

"See the torture I had to deal with?"

"Pshhh."

"Anyways, I have a few reasons for calling you both here." Dumbledore said, adjusting his spectacles. "First, you have two options here. Since you both have done well, you can go back to your dormitory as of tomorrow night or you can stay in the same room until the end of the month."

Light filled my eyes. Whatever Holy Being has answered my prayers! I seized the opportunity quickly, fearing that Dumbledore would take back his words and announce it was all an awful joke.

"Go back to my dormitory tomorrow night!" Granger and I said at once.

"Thought so." Dumbledore said, nodding his head. "Second reason, the Quidditch reason is approaching and I've already told the other captains that they should start their tryouts."

I blinked. _Other captains?_ My mouth dropped and I could feel a growing haughtiness in me. "Does that mean…?"

Dumbledore nodded. _Ha!_ For once, the old coot didn't seem so bad, but I still think he likes to lure young girls into dark corridors.

I turned to Granger, grinning ear-to-ear. "You heard that Granger? I'm captain of the Slytherin Quidditch team!"

"Well congratulations Malfoy." Granger said pleasantly. If I didn't know the conniving witch, I would've believed she was actually being sincere.

Dumbledore then waved us goodnight and dismissed us. When we were out of the door, McGonagall walked in.

"_I'm afraid you've lost the bet, dear." Dumbledore said._

"_I have a hunch she's fixing it." McGonagall said snidely. "There's no way."_

"_It's remarkable they both have their heads attached."_

_McGonagall sighed. "I could've sworn I would win. Blast it."_

I didn't know what the two were talking about, but I was still basking in my glory so I really didn't care.

"Did you hear what McGonagall and Dumbledore said?" Granger asked.

"Hear what?" I was half-listening to her. My mind was still focused on the image of me in my glorious Slytherin captain outfit, standing much superior to the other captains… _especially Potter_. One couldn't imagine my anger when I found out that Potter was made captain of the Gryffindor team last year. Everyone was delighted. Potter just simply couldn't resist flouncing about in his new captain outfit and his boyfriend Weasley was just all giddy about it. Figures.

This year would be much different. Harry Potter is going down!

"Malfoy?"

"Huh?" I snapped back to reality.

"Were you listening to me?" Granger said.

"Do I ever?"

Granger groaned in frustration and said, "Forget it." Then she muttered, "Stupid bloke."

"I heard that."

"Well I guess you only hear compliments then because calling you a _stupid bloke_ is much too nice."

"Bah humbug."

Back in the dormitory (which Granger and I will no longer be sharing. –Big grin inserted here—), we proceeded to pack our belongings.

"I guess this is our last night together, huh?" Granger said as she waved her wand and her things flew into her trunk.

"Merlin Granger, you make it sound like we were having a relationship."

Granger snorted in an unladylike fashion. "And we know that will _never_ happen."

"You know what Granger? Living with you for close to four weeks has made me develop some sort of tolerance for you." I said, crossing my arms smugly.

"Oh really now?" Her voice was thickly coated with sarcasm. "I'm flattered."

"Maybe—I said _maybe_—I won't hex you to look like a beaver next time I see you, but I'm not making any promises."

"Gee Malfoy, that really made my day."

"Speaking of your day, I'm curious to know why you were acting like such a damn damsel in distress." I said nonchalantly. "But it's not like I care or anything… I'm just curious."

"Nothing." Granger said.

"You're a horrible liar."

"Well what's worse? The fact that I'm a horrible liar or that you're a good one?"

"Don't change the subject woman!"

"I'm fine."

"Look, I don't care _how_ you feel; I just want to know _why_."

"It's nothing! Why is everyone asking me about it! Why can't I go through an entire day without people asking me about my business? Has anyone ever heard of privacy!" _Oh shit,_ Granger was ranting.

Bloody hell, why did I have to go and spark the fuse?

"Nothing is wrong with me!"

"You sure about that?"

Suddenly, a heavy Potions book was sailing toward my head. I ducked just in time as the boulder-like book flew a few millimeters across the top of my head. I would hate to think what would've happened if that book actually made contact with my precious head. It would've been rolling on the ground.

I took cover under my sheets. That witch was raving mad and right now, I felt more concern for her sanity than for mine.

I didn't know how long I stayed under the covers, but I must've fallen asleep. The next morning when I work up, Granger was nowhere to be seen. I sighed. I was worried that I would have a run-in with the beast of Gryffindor again.

That morning in Daria's class, I made sure to stay away from Granger as far as possible. Unfortunately for me, the attempt was futile considering that she was my partner. She was more agitated than ever and I didn't even know why, which made _me_ agitated. Usually I wouldn't mind if I was the one causing her trouble.

Suddenly, Zabini walked by my table. "What's wrong Malfoy? You look scared."

Absentmindedly, I pointed to Granger who was furiously scribbling her notes. She was nearly tearing the parchment apart.

"What's wrong with her?" Zabini asked.

I shrugged. "Hell if I know. The crazy bitch suddenly has wild mood swings and she's irritable if you talk to her."

"Hmm-hmm." Zabini said thoughtfully. "Touchy if you ask her what's wrong?"

I nodded.

"I know what's wrong."

I looked at the blonde Slytherin, demanding an answer to stop this madness.

Zabini took a big breath and said dramatically, "PMS."

"_What?_"

"_Premenstrual syndrome_. Honestly, Malfoy, you grew up around your mother, Daria, and me."

"You're female?"

Zabini stomped her foot angrily and walked away. What? Did I say something wrong? I was merely making a remarkable discovery. Can't a bloke learn something new everyday?

Just then, Daria walked in.

I nearly dropped out of my chair. What in the blazing hell was that woman wearing? A bright yellow hat stood on her head, nearly blending into her poor excuse of a mop of blonde hair that resembled a bird's nest. The beautiful blonde hair trademark of the Malfoys had clearly ceased to exist on this woman. Sometimes I would have believed Daria was adopted if not for the birth certificate that officially declared her a Malfoy. Bugger.

"Professor Malfoy?" Granger raised her hand. She looked like she calmed down, but I wasn't too sure.

"Yes?"

"Professor Malfoy, I was wondering since we were doing this child… _thing_… project with an opposite-sexed partner, would we have to live with them?"

"I've thought about that," Daria said. "But that doesn't seem like a very good idea. Why, kids and their raging hormones." Suddenly, to my utmost horror she turned to me and winked. "Am I right, Draco?"

I was too disturbed to utter a reply.

"No, you'll be in your regularly dormitories." said Daria.

Granger let out a sigh of relief.

"Why Miss Granger? Were you hoping to spend extra time with Mr. Malfoy?" Daria grinned and also gave her a little wink.

Granger looked like she was choking on her own vomit. I was highly offended. What person in the world did not want me to grace them with my presence?

"No—of course not!" Granger said. "The less time I spend with that git the better for my sanity."

I frowned. A git, am I? "You're not pleasant company either, Granger." I said.

"Ah, young love. How pleasant it is." Daria said, smiling.

Granger rolled her eyes.

My aunt had to be the daftest woman alive. Couldn't she see the deep animosity between Granger and me? It was bloody obvious!

Daria then pulled out a wad of parchments. "Today, we'll be having a little easy quiz based on the things you've learned so far."

Granger was the only one happy about it, but then again, it's about sex. I should pass it with ease!

I sat at my desk with my quill ready and was actually eager for my quiz. Daria handed everyone a paper and she looked at the clock. "Twenty minutes should be more than enough." She said. "Begin!"

All right, first question.

_1. What is the act between a man and a woman when the man and woman are sexually joined together? Also known as love-making._

I grinned. This was a piece of cake! Whoever didn't know the answer to this question should be publicly flogged.

_The act is called 'fucking', of course._

This had to be the easiest quiz I had ever taken. I thought with a grin. I looked over to Granger who looked like she was having a tough time. Finally! A subject I can surpass Granger in! As Granger wrote her answer, her cheeks flushed a light pink color. Her eyes skimmed the next question and she hesitated. Then a bright crimson graced her cheeks and she scribbled her answer. I was curious to see the question that made her blush so.

_2. Describe the process of sexual intercourse._

Oy, no wonder! How can Granger describe the process of intercourse if she never had it? Unless she watched Potter and Weasley, but that process would be entirely different. I was enjoying this sight—watching Granger silently suffering.

_Well, the man takes his willy and sticks it into the woman's vagina. Lots of moaning pursues (if the man is good enough) and the woman reaches a state of utter bliss (also called an orgasm)._

_3. What are the reproduction organs?_

_A group of body stuff that lets you make babies. Ex: The man's member and the woman's vagina._

_4. Name the number one sexually transmitted disease in the muggle world._

I racked my head. What was it? The name was at the tip of my brain, but I couldn't seem to pry it out.

_H.I.V- Humanly Infected Virus?_

_5. Can wizards and witches get this disease?_

_No, only Muggles and Mudbloods can get it. Purebloods are clean._

I wrote smugly, but then I remembered Daria's statement. Cursing to myself, I crossed out my answer and wrote,

_No, only Muggles and Mudbloods can get it. Purebloods are clean._

_Yes. No one is an exception to this damned disease._

_6. What happens during intercourse if no protection is used?_

What kind of question is that? The answer is bloody obvious!

_The woman and man get a better orgasm. Raw is better!_

Was I forgetting something? Oh, of course!

_And the woman could get pregnant._

_7. How is a baby produced?_

_By a man and a woman having sex—perhaps a lot of sex. Then the sperm of a man and the egg of a woman gets joined together._

_8. What is the best method to keep yourself sexually protected?_

I racked my brain for the answer to that question. Why would anyone with half a brain want to be protected from sex? Shrugging, I wrote down:

_Don't have sex with a beast._ For some reason, I thought of Pansy and I then added with an evil smile, _Stay away from Pansy if you want to be sexually protected._

Satisfied with my answers and strongly assured that I would pass this meager quiz, I put down my quill and relaxed. Next to me, Granger was still writing down her answers. I have never seen her face so red and it hurt to control my laughter. I tried to control myself by averting my eyes somewhere else. The majority of the class was done with the quiz, but a few were still writing—Longbottom included.

Sevvy perched on the windowsill, blocking most of the sunlight as his ample body formed some type of oddly shaped eclipse. The blonde cat was licking it paws and sensing my gaze, he looked up and met me with the same stare. I took my pointer finger and made a slicing motion across my throat. The ugly furball seemed to grin and it stood up. Sevvy turned his body around and pointed his arse into the air directly at me. He wiggled it and cackled.

I have never met a more devious creature.

"Time's up!" Daria called. She waved her wand and all the papers flew up into the air and toward her desk.

I placed my feet on the table, crossed my legs, and leaned my back against the chair. I turned to Granger and asked her the million-galleon question. "So Granger, are you PMSing?"

"What? No! Who told you that?" She said with a peevish tone.

"Uhh… I was guessing. You acted more of a bitch than usual; I thought that was the only answer."

"I can't tell you."

"Why not?"

Granger looked like at me as if I was the biggest idiot in the world. "You're Draco Malfoy. I don't like you and you don't like me."

"That's why you should tell me because whatever it is, I won't give a shit about it. You're annoying me."

Granger sighed. "All right, you'll know eventually anyway. This winter, Hogwarts is hosting a talent show and Harry and Ron signed me up for singing. I'm too afraid to do it even though I want to."

At that moment, my mouth opened and loud cackle filled the room.

"Why are you laughing!" Granger said angrily.

"T-the thought of you s-singing." I said, gasping for air.

"I'll have you know, I can sing!"

"Then why are you worried?"

"Because… because… I don't sing in front of crowds… I'm having panic attacks!" Granger was literally pulling her hair.

"It's the end of September. You have two months until December. And why didn't I hear about this talent show?"

"I think you skipped dinner that night Dumbledore told us."

"You can always use charms."

"It's a _talent_ show. Magic aid would be cheating."

"Having magical powers is talent!"

Hermione rolled her eyes. That is the reaction I get for trying to help the bitch. Bleh! See if I offer her any good advice again.

"There's one other thing I forgot to mention…" Granger said.

"And what is that, Granger?" I asked, not really caring. Did she have to dance too? _Oh the horror!_

"Harry and Ron nominated you to display your ferret bouncing skills at the talent show."

The chair collapsed under me.

**Author's Note**: Just to assure you, the answers to the sex-education are not fully correct (they're simply blunt). Except number 4—the actual answer is Human Immunodeficiency Virus. I just wrote what I think Draco Malfoy would write. For real answers, please ask your Health teacher because I would feel utterly awkward answering them.

Rate/review please. I'm rusty I know. It's been months.


End file.
